Categorized | Medicine, No. 12

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

PRENTICE WOMEN’S HOSPITAL—Flourishing an ultrasound wand with the sagely demeanor of an all-knowing oracle, local obstetrician-gynecologist resident Dr. Adel Emilie foresaw the future of an unborn child, sources confirmed Thursday.

Reportedly, the expectant mother Katie Mariana visited Prentice Women’s Hospital Thursday for a glimpse into the future for her 8-week-old offspring. As per his usual procedure, Dr. Emilie positioned Mariana on the bed, explained the practice that would soon unfold and selected the curvilinear wand from an array of arcane implements on the bedside. The practitioner then begin gliding and rocking the tool over the mother’s stomach to peer into the very heart of her unborn progeny.

Adjusting the gain of the ultrasound, the wise oracle prognosticated that “he’s going to be an adorable baby” to the delight of Mariana. “Oh look, that’s going to be his heart!” the augur explained, effortlessly defying the temporal structure of the universe itself.  Divining the course of events as yet unfolded, the learned prophet added that he was sure things would turn out just fine for the rest of the pregnancy.

Afterwards, Mariana explained that the visit went well and that the only difficulty came when the ultrasound gel ran a little low. Still, before she could even point it out, the enlightened physician had exclaimed “Whoops, let me add a little more gel,” pausing his occult scrutiny to apply an enigmatic, medicinal poultice over the mother’s swollen stomach.

At press time, the sage resident had boldly announced to all in the next room the sex of the following patient’s child.

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