Tag Archive | "Jay Cutler"

Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

CHICAGO — In a fitting follow up to their acclaimed, 1980s-themed charitable bash, Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari announced this morning a $10 million contribution to help launch the Northwestern University Antavax Research Institute.

“Jay and I have gotten a lot of…attention…lately regarding our choice not to vaccinate, and we’re looking to put our money where our mouth is!  Antavax will be on the cutting edge of vaccine-undermining research!” Cavallari informed Flipside reporters.

Northwestern recently announced plans for the state-of-the-art, 20 story Antavax Institute building — set to replace the old Prentice Women’s Hospital.  A competition among many high-power architecture firms to design Antavax’s shining exterior is set to begin in two months.

Northwestern officials sat down with Flipside reporters and were bubbling over the future potential of the impending Antavax Institute:  “We here at Northwestern are truly excited to use the Cutler family’s generous donation to help get Antavax off the ground.  With the removal of former Prentice Women’s Hospital in motion and Antavax soon to take its place, our medical campus is taking yet another step towards becoming one of the most innovative biomedical centers in the country!”

A main focus of Antavax will be concentrated in the Wakefield Wing, where MMR vaccines will be scrutinized for associations with autism, colitis, childhood obesity, extra-smelly poopy diapers, and general snarkiness as teenagers.

“The Antavax Institute will bring a level of research, innovation, and discovery to the area that will be just infectious!” Cavallari relayed to The Flipside.

At press time,  the entire Cutler family was seen entering Lurie Children’s Hospital to visit with and raise the hopes of children awaiting bone marrow transplants.

Posted in Business, Medicine, No. 9Comments (0)

Chicago Bears Excited to Implement “Actual NFL Offense”

Chicago Bears Excited to Implement “Actual NFL Offense”

This article was written in response to a lost bet to Allison “I’m from Minnesota, but I’m a Packers fan and have two last names” Ducharme-Smith.

HALAS HALL – Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith said he and offense coordinator Mike Tice are thrilled to see what an “actual NFL offense” looks like, as they plan to implement one this weekend against the Detroit Lions.

“We’ve been moving the ball a lot lately on offense,” said the Bears head coach. “Only problem is we’ve been moving backwards, largely because of sacks and offensive pass interference calls.”

“Jay Cutler’s getting sacked so much, he even got sacked after last week’s game while walking to his car,” Mike Tice told the media. “We clearly have to do a better job protecting our quarterback and it starts upfront with our offensive line.”

Injuries have been a problem and the current unit on the offensive line has struggled. Mike Tice has few options left and has gotten rather creative. He called former Bears fullback and defensive lineman William “The Fridge” Perry earlier last week to recruit his services.

“The Fridge has agreed to return to the NFL to play offensive line for the Bears,” added Tice. “We understand he has several health and drinking related problems and weighs close to 400 pounds now. We plan to have him lay down on our offensive line to force defenders to take a less direct route to Cutler. Should be a better strategy than using the guys we have now.”

Indeed, no actual NFL offense uses this strategy, but Mike Tice assured the media that it will produce results indicative of an actual offense.

Despite having a feared offense at the beginning of the season, the offense has been rather lackluster mainly due to an inconsistent running game and inability for Cutler to throw to anyone other than Brandon Marshall.

“Our plan,” explained Smith, “is to have our other receivers form a circle around Brandon Marshall as he runs his routes. That way, Cutler can just through it in Marshall’s direction and if he doesn’t catch it, hopefully one of our other receivers will catch the deflection. Let’s face it, that’s the only way these other guys will ever catch a pass.”

The Bears enter Sunday with a must win game over Detroit. Additionally, the Packers must lose to the Vikings for Chicago to make the playoffs. It was reported earlier today that Brandon Marshall was the only Bear not planning to root for Green Bay. Marshall is believed to have a tee time Monday morning in Florida with (soon to be former head coach) Lovie Smith.

Posted in No. 6, SportsComments (0)


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