Categorized | No. 8, Opinion

OPINION PIECE BY PAUL SWANSON: I’m really getting tired of you people

OPINION PIECE BY PAUL SWANSON: I’m really getting tired of you people

Another medical school class and another year in which my problems go unsolved and untreated. Mainly untreated. I guess they’re not unsolved, but you guys really do take your sweet time.

Oh, you don’t remember me? I’m not surprised. I’m Paul Swanson, you know, that patient you almost killed like 27 times during the SAM II module. For some reason, I always agree to let the medical students treat me. I came in here with a fever and a cough. A fever and cough! And what do I get? I get pneumonia! My lungs stop working! My kidneys stop working! You keep worrying about this ARDS thing and you stop caring about my infection! Ah, and on top of that, my buddy Paul Swansonson came to this hospital about the same time I did. He had bypass surgery, but everything kept going wrong and you guys just stood there! You stood there and watched some guy in a white coat bring up images on an iPad and draw some silly graphs on a dry erase board!

I mean, really, who cares what my A-a gradient is? Give me the darn medicine already so I can get this ventilator out and go home already. Seriously, I’m really getting tired of you people. I mean, the first day I’m here, I’m totally dehydrated. You tell me you’re going to give me fluids, but instead hold an IV bag in front of my face for an hour and a half before even doing anything, as if to tantalize me. Then, when you finally do hook everything up, you never actually released the valve! What is wrong with you people? Teasing me like that. I’m dying of thirst over here!

I don’t know what kind of medical care you guys are running here, but it ain’t working. That’s for sure. Maybe you guys should look into a different profession. I hear the IT department here needs help.

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