Archive | No. 12

High blood pressure guidelines lowered

Feinberg Voices

After the The American Heart Association and ten other groups redefined high blood pressure as a reading of 130 over 80, nearly half of all U.S. adults now will be considered hypertensive. What do you think?

r3 They’re changing already? But I just finished hearing about BP guidelines for the first time!

ZOYA RANDI, M1

 h4 I was just hoping for an excuse to hire a whole new batch of slightly healthier standardized patients.

DR. HEATHER HEIMAN, CEC MEDICAL DIRECTOR

Guidelines? There are guidelines?

DR. ERIC NEILSON, VP FOR MEDICAL AFFAIRS AND DEAN

 

Posted in Articles, Local, No. 120 Comments

Ethical questions posed to class by wide-eyed, bloodstained Tod Chambers

Ethical questions posed to class by wide-eyed, bloodstained Tod Chambers

CHICAGO, IL—While reportedly pausing to cast a furtive glance around his McGaw Pavilion classroom, a disheveled Associate Professor Dr. Tod Chambers began Clinical Ethics with an abrupt question, sources confirmed Tuesday.

“Kimberly, what’s the difference between doing surgery and stabbing someone on the street?” asked the bloodstained Dr. Chambers, adding that he would really like to know.

Unsatisfied with the student’s answer, the visibly perspiring professor went on to explain that while assaulting another might seem really bad, there are a number of mitigated factors one should take into account, such as how well the two people knew each other, whether the other person started the altercation and if it all just happened so quickly that there was no time to think. He then began a lengthy explanation of how accidental homicide really isn’t too different from a medical procedure if you really think about it, pausing only once to roll up his Oxford shirt’s crimson sleeves.

Student reviews of the class were mixed. “I thought it was a pretty good class overall,” reported first-year medical student Daniel “Dan” O’Brian, “although Dr. Chambers did seem really worried when I said I thought the main difference between surgery and stabbing something was consent. Maybe I missed something from his lecture?” Other students commended his “clear and frantic passion” for the subject matter but noted that the frenzied speed with which he gave his lecture rendered it sometimes hard to follow. Still, most onlookers agreed that the session far surpassed the preceding PBL session in which the lead facilitator repeatedly asked the class for any more thoughts about the patient’s diagnosis, noting that he was pretty much out of ideas himself.

At press time, the disheveled professor was asking the next class about the most ethical place to hide a body.

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Posted in Medicine, No. 120 Comments

Local gunner lives life at 1.75x speed

Local gunner lives life at 1.75x speed

CHICAGO, IL—Feinberg medical student Camille Cross was so enamored with the speeding functions of Panopto that she converted her entire lifestyle to 1.75x speed, multiple sources confirmed Friday.

Her roommate, Paige Paisley, first alerted fellow students to Cross’s new lifestyle two weeks ago by posting a Snapchat story of Cross watching House and The Bachelorette on Netflix at 1.75x speed. “I didn’t think much of it,” Paisley confided, “but then I found out she manipulated the plumbing to almost double the shower’s flow rate.” Shortly after, Paisley also confirmed to Flipside that Cross has begun sleeping at a rate that could only be described as 1.75x speed. “It’s not like she’s not getting enough sleep,” Paisley explained, “but it’s more like she naps for 4.5 hours and gives out a snore every six seconds. Her respirations are way too fast to be normal.”

Cross’s CEC preceptor, Dr. Parth Radhakrishnan, confirms. “When Camille is in a room with the standardized patients, she insists on speaking extra quickly to them and finishing her conversations around 1.75 times faster than anyone else. I’m not sure how to give her feedback. It’s both impressive and highly disconcerting.”

None of the classmates Flipside contacted were quite sure what exactly inspired Cross’s new lifestyle. Some speculated it was her desire to have the reputation as “that” gunner. Others thought it was watching and rewatching Dr. Joel Charrow’s lectures at normal speed that broke her.

Paisley could not be reached for comment, as she was busy starting her second AOSC project with the extra time she made.

Updated 11:43 am CST: Cross has been admitted into Northwestern Memorial Hospital for tachycardia.

Posted in Local, No. 120 Comments

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

PRENTICE WOMEN’S HOSPITAL—Flourishing an ultrasound wand with the sagely demeanor of an all-knowing oracle, local obstetrician-gynecologist resident Dr. Adel Emilie foresaw the future of an unborn child, sources confirmed Thursday.

Reportedly, the expectant mother Katie Mariana visited Prentice Women’s Hospital Thursday for a glimpse into the future for her 8-week-old offspring. As per his usual procedure, Dr. Emilie positioned Mariana on the bed, explained the practice that would soon unfold and selected the curvilinear wand from an array of arcane implements on the bedside. The practitioner then begin gliding and rocking the tool over the mother’s stomach to peer into the very heart of her unborn progeny.

Adjusting the gain of the ultrasound, the wise oracle prognosticated that “he’s going to be an adorable baby” to the delight of Mariana. “Oh look, that’s going to be his heart!” the augur explained, effortlessly defying the temporal structure of the universe itself.  Divining the course of events as yet unfolded, the learned prophet added that he was sure things would turn out just fine for the rest of the pregnancy.

Afterwards, Mariana explained that the visit went well and that the only difficulty came when the ultrasound gel ran a little low. Still, before she could even point it out, the enlightened physician had exclaimed “Whoops, let me add a little more gel,” pausing his occult scrutiny to apply an enigmatic, medicinal poultice over the mother’s swollen stomach.

At press time, the sage resident had boldly announced to all in the next room the sex of the following patient’s child.

Posted in Medicine, No. 120 Comments

Alcoholic, antivax patient ambivalent about shots.

Alcoholic, antivax patient ambivalent about shots.

Posted in HEADLINES, No. 120 Comments

Medical student convicted for vehicular manslaughter after ignoring low yield sign.

Medical student convicted for vehicular manslaughter after ignoring low yield sign.

Posted in HEADLINES, No. 120 Comments


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