Archive | No. 4

Feinberg M1 Finally Beats Oregon Trail

Feinberg M1 Finally Beats Oregon Trail

HUGHES AUDITORIUM – M1 Clayton Sowinski gives credit to recent bacteriology lectures for his success in finally beating Oregon Trail, the computer game made popular in the early 90s.

Sowinski recounted, “When I was a kid I would spend all my time hunting and all my people would eventually die of some infectious disease, usually somewhere around mid-Wyoming. I never actually made it to Oregon.”

He went on to explain the benefit of recent SM lectures. “The most useful part of med school so far has been the bacteria lectures. I can handle typhoid, diphtheria, and cholera, and finally get my family to Oregon. Gram positive, gram negative, aerobe, anaerobe? Bring it on.”

When asked what he will do with his time now that he’s triumphed the long trans-America trek, Sowinski reflected, “I’ll probably just spend more time hunting, everyone knows that’s the best part of the game anyway.”

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Turns Out Interviewee Just “Making Stuff Up” During Panel Interview

Turns Out Interviewee Just “Making Stuff Up” During Panel Interview

WARD – “No, no, no, that was after I killed Osama bin Laden,” Geoffrey Smart revealed during his closed file panel interview last week. The Yale graduate explained that he performed open heart surgery on underprivileged children in Ecuador about three months after his honorable discharge from the military.

“He was a bit hard to follow because of all his accomplishments,” Smart’s M4 panel interviewer informed The Flipside. “I mean, beating Michael Jordan in a one-on-one pickup basketball game? That’s so impressive!”

One tour guide, who spoke with Smart, said that Smart didn’t realize that the content of his panel interview doesn’t actually matter, only how he presents himself and interacts with others.

“He was totally making stuff up. If he ends up coming here, he should definitely become a tour guide,” the tour guide added. “He’ll be able to make up such interesting things to say about the school and new curriculum.”

The Office of Admissions declined comment.

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Foundations Exam III Actually Just a Grizzly Bear

Foundations Exam III Actually Just a Grizzly Bear

CHICAGO – Feinberg first years were horrified to discover last Wednesday morning that their third and final Foundations exam was actually just a ravenously hungry Grizzly Bear released into the auditorium.

“We looked down, and saw it. Must’ve been 8 feet tall, if it was an inch. Claws out. Ready to chow down,” recalled Sam Waterdale. “The thing just grabbed someone in the front row and went to town.  There was so much blood.”

Students who spent countless hours memorizing bacteria genera and chemokine receptor acronyms were startled that the exam put forth was just a viscous Grizzly Bear, starved for weeks and baited with a pheromone for aggression.

Tiffany Samuels described the atmosphere to Flipside reporters well: “I was just glancing down at the closed test booklet, feverishly recalling what few worthless facts I could remember about Bordatella pertussis, and then it was there. Hungry. Ripping open my friend’s arm.”

Students are quite shaken up by the horrific experience and have taken this graphic and disturbing experience home with them for Thanksgiving.  Upon returning to campus, the M1s are understandably anxious to pick up their blood soaked, written exam objectives from AWOME.

“I mean, I want to know what topics I have to review again. But, I just don’t know if I can re-live that horrid experience. I still haven’t made my mind up about whether or not I’m going to AWOME to get the exam objectives,” a distraught Samuels stated.

Feinberg M1s hope to be faced with something slightly less destructive come Cardio unit.  “I don’t know. A wolf. A cougar.  Just not another Foundations III, please,” begged Waterdale.  “Hell, I’d even take a few dozen venomous snakes.  Just not this again.  We can’t handle it.”

Students informed The Flipside that they are ready to push forward with their education, and will be wearing black ribbons on their left shoulders for the remainder of the 2012-2013 academic year to commemorate those lost during Foundations Exam III.

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Feinberg Students Excited for College Drinking Buddy Sam to Come to Town

Feinberg Students Excited for College Drinking Buddy Sam to Come to Town

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 40 Comments

Student Satisfied After Having Been Foundations-ed to Completion

Student Satisfied After Having Been Foundations-ed to Completion

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Area Roommate to Put Off Washing Frying Pan for Another Week

Area Roommate to Put Off Washing Frying Pan for Another Week

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FeinbergPulse: How do you Like to Stay in Shape?

FeinbergPulse: How do you Like to Stay in Shape?

Check out this week’s poll question!

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Posted in No. 4, Opinion0 Comments

Feinberg Students Still Recovering From “Flash Plenary”

Feinberg Students Still Recovering From “Flash Plenary”

HUGHES AUDITORIUM – Many Feinberg first-year students were still recuperating over the Thanksgiving vacation after the events of a recent “Flash Plenary.” Course directors shocked students with an impromptu plenary during classes the week before the last Foundations exam.

Students who were expecting a second lecture on Anti-Infectives the Friday before the exam were taken aback when the lecturer left Hughes Auditorium. Their shock deepened as Dr. Garcia stood up, microphone in hand, in the middle of the auditorium and announced that an additional plenary would take the place of that day’s final lecture.

Course directors had been scattered throughout Hughes, some pretending to sit in on the previous lectures, others checking Facebook on their laptops to blend in with the crowd.

“I remember wondering why Dr. Garcia was sitting at the front of the lecture hall,” said a traumatized M1. “The next thing I knew I was looking at a PowerPoint slide of the Competency Compass and she had taken the podium.”

A representative from the FSM 3.0 curriculum committee explained this teaching modality will be used to reinforce learning during Phase 1 of the new curriculum. “We really believe shock and surprise will help students internalize the information that is being presented in all threads of the curriculum,” said one Dean. “And I don’t want to give away too much, but it’s possible the ‘Flash Plenary’ technique could make a reprise in later years as well.”

Students will be asked to carry their clickers with them during their clinical rotations in Phases 2 and 3.

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<em>Flipside News Network</em> Projects Unanimous Obama Victory

Flipside News Network Projects Unanimous Obama Victory

DISCLAIMER: This projection and study was funded by MSNBC, CNN, NPR, the City of Chicago, the Democratic Party, Boystown, women, pretty much every academic institution, and most developed countries.

FLIPSIDE NEWS HEADQUARTERS (AKA SECRET BASEMENT FORT) – President Barack Obama will win Tuesday’s election over Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, by a margin of 538 electoral votes to zero, according to the Flipside News Network’s recent projection. Representatives from every Flipside convened in an undisclosed location this weekend to analyze the data gathered from a nearly one month study.

“We’ve utilized our collective resources and, with help from our generous contributors, produced a very accurate and precise projection, one that we’re very proud of,” a Flipside News Network spokesperson stated to the press.

The representative from The Feinberg Flipside informed reporters, “Everything that I learned from Medical Decision Making was used in this study. Confidence intervals, relative risk ratios, that other risk ratio that was on the exam that I couldn’t figure out, and all the biases. Especially selection bias [wink wink].”

Despite their assuring the media that the study was done honestly and correctly, there are many who doubt the predictive value and validity of the Flipside News Network’s work. The bias of the Flipside representatives has come into question because of the organization’s history of being liberal regarding more or less every political issue, as well as their refusal to attract readers other than college students.

“All they did was contact their friends, at least one from every state,” one GOP pundit explained on Fox News. “That’s the only way Mississippi and Alabama are going blue.”

The representative from The Stanford Flipside later admitted, “Well, we don’t know anyone other than college students. We were going to call people outside of academia to see who they were voting for, but we didn’t have time, what with midterms and football to worry about.”

The Flipside News Network plans to outsource their next study to statistics majors and not blow all their money on a kegger and donations to the Democratic Party.

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Posted in No. 4, Politics0 Comments

Recent Horror Film ‘Invasion of the Cap Snatchers’ Goes Viral

Recent Horror Film ‘Invasion of the Cap Snatchers’ Goes Viral

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 40 Comments

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