Archive | No. 3

eMERG Emerges as New Interrogation Technique at Remote Military Locations

eMERG Emerges as New Interrogation Technique at Remote Military Locations

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. military has been under close scrutiny ever since waterboarding was discovered among interrogation techniques at the U.S.-run Interrogation Facility Guantanamo Bay. The ethically questionable technique was used to elicit information from prisoners with terrorist ties and became a hot topic in 2009 when the practice was made known to the public.

Now, three years later, interrogators have discovered a new technique involving the use of the electronic organizing software eMERG. Interrogators set the stage by telling prisoners that key documents, such as release papers, are located within the software, and if they can simply locate the documents they are free to go. The software is so intricately convoluted that prisoners will spend hours, days, or months searching for the crucial information. Eventually, the prisoners are so frustrated and emotionally drained that they will give up any vital information they may be harboring.

One prisoner recounts his experience: “Initially, I thought, ‘Great!’ This is going to be a piece of cake. I’ll simply search for it in the search box. But the search brought back 106 results, none of which had my papers. After that I resorted to organizing the information by every means possible – basic view, type, binder tab, site, date – but again I hit a wall. At that point I just broke into tears.” Another prisoner recounted that “after trying for days, I just had nothing left. Honestly, I think I prefer the good ole days of waterboarding.”

Lawsuits have been filed by a number of prisoners and even a few military personnel that are disturbed by administering the technique. Sgt. Brader, who has used it on a number of occasions stated, “It works every time for sure, everybody breaks down eventually. I just don’t feel right about it. I can’t sleep at night. I don’t think anyone should be subjected to this kind of torture.” The case will come before the Supreme Court later this year to decide if the eMERG technique is considered a “cruel and unusual punishment.”

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Posted in Medicine, No. 30 Comments

Office of Admissions to Take Year Off, Cite Not Wanting to Hear Future Students Complain About New Curriculum

Office of Admissions to Take Year Off, Cite Not Wanting to Hear Future Students Complain About New Curriculum

WARD – The Class of 2016 was Feinberg’s most talented and diverse class yet and it appears it will stay that way for at least another year. A spokesperson for AWOME told Flipside reporters that the administration has decided to suspend all Medical Admission business for the Class of 2017.

This news comes at a time when M1 complaints about the new curriculum have subsided somewhat, but are still, well, at the level of being annoying.

“We just can’t stand it anymore,” one academic Dean, who wished to remain anonymous, explained to The Flipside in an exclusive interview. “The constant bickering and complaining is just becoming too much for us to handle mentally and we don’t want to endure another year of this, at least not right away.”

The plan is not to eliminate the new curriculum, but to eliminate next year’s M1 class altogether. That way, AWOME staff can take a break from “a bunch of new complainers,” as well as having to deal with two classes partaking in the new curriculum at one time.

“Don’t get me wrong, our Office of Admissions has done a terrific job,” the Dean added. “They deserve the time off.”

The school’s recent creation of student drop in sessions to create a time for students to voice their opinion was done so as to funnel all the complaints into a single session each week. This would limit the mental burden of AWOME.

“It hasn’t worked like we planned,” the Dean said. “Not only are they complaining at the drop in sessions, but they’re still complaining via email, in person, you name it.”

Amy Kleinfelter, an M2, is particularly upset about the decision. “I’m a tour guide. Where am I supposed to eat lunch now on Fridays?”

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Posted in Local, No. 30 Comments

M1 Mistakenly Conducts Sexual History of Present Illness

M1 Mistakenly Conducts Sexual History of Present Illness

CLINICAL EDUCATION CENTER – First year student James Redbug made his small group leader and fellow students uncomfortable this week as he confused the day’s task of taking a history of present illness with taking a sexual history. Redbug seemed to think he needed to combine the two aspects of the clinical encounter in “what can only be described as the most uncomfortable ten minutes of my life,” said one classmate.

“He clearly did not watch the Doc.Com module in advance,” said Redbug’s small group leader, Dr. Bertram Dart. “It’s really not clear to me how he could have thought this was the intended exercise for the day.”

After the standardized patient explained she had been experiencing intermittent headaches for the past two weeks Redbug reportedly showed verbal acknowledgement by saying, “bow-chick-a-wow-wow.” According to one member of Redbug’s small group the standardized patient looked “wicked uncomfortable” as Redbug followed up, “how many times in the past two weeks have you been sexually active and had these headaches?”

Ben Voder, a friend of Redbug’s, explained Redbug had expressed some confusion about the assignment prior to class. Redbug had apparently suggested the assignment seemed strange. “I didn’t understand what he was talking about,” said Voder. “It wasn’t until he started asking the patient if she experienced her headaches with men, women or both that I realized something was wrong. Seriously wrong.”

Voder added, “It got real weird up in there.”

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Posted in Local, No. 30 Comments

Comic Corner

Check out this week’s comics!

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Posted in Entertainment, No. 30 Comments

Feinberg Pulse: Block Exam Finito. What’s Your Next Move?

Feinberg Pulse: Block Exam Finito. What’s Your Next Move?

Feinberg students weigh in on what makes them tick.

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Posted in No. 3, Opinion2 Comments

Cancerous Cook’s Corner

Cancerous Cook’s Corner

Cheesy Cauliflower Appetizer

1. Steam 2 cups of cauliflower tumors for 6-7 min.
2. Drain and cover in a dry cheesy caseous necrosis. Allow to melt.
3. Place the cheesy cauliflower into a serving dish and cover with a liberal amount of nitrogen mustard.
4. Finish by sprinkling with a pinch of ground nutmeg liver.
5. Bon Appétit!

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Posted in No. 3, Opinion0 Comments

Student Drinks Grapefruit Juice, Immediately Gets Pregnant

Student Drinks Grapefruit Juice, Immediately Gets Pregnant

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 30 Comments

Next MDM Assignment to Be Released One Day After it’s Due

Next MDM Assignment to Be Released One Day After it’s Due

Posted in HEADLINES, No. 30 Comments

Dr. Garcia to Go as Concept Map for Halloween

Dr. Garcia to Go as Concept Map for Halloween

Posted in HEADLINES, No. 30 Comments

M1 Arrested in Sting Operation after Eliciting Sexual History from Undercover Cop

M1 Arrested in Sting Operation after Eliciting Sexual History from Undercover Cop

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 30 Comments

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