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Feinberg Students Attempt to Unionize

Feinberg Students Attempt to Unionize

CHICAGO — The Northwestern football team participated in an historic vote on Thursday that could change college athletics as we know it. Following the lead of their comrades to the north, Feinberg students are seeking to secure and uphold their rights by attempting to unionize as well.
“We’re think we deserve to better treatment,” explained medical student Nicole Palmer. “The football team claims that they are employees of the university. They make money for the university and are compensated by receiving an education. Because of that, they should be allowed to unionize. To me, football players and medical students are essentially in the same boat, so we should be able to unionize as well.”
She continued, “Football players have 3-a-day practices, we have 4-a-day lectures. They get yelled at by coaches, we get yelled at by attendings. They do service within the community, we do AOSC. They complete passes, we pass with concern. The similarities go on and on. But in the end, medical students provide this university with countless hours of free labor. We demand the right to form a union.”
A poll asking students what they hoped to gain from a Feinberg Union included three overriding responses: fewer plenaries, bigger marshmallows for bigger bridges, and a dental plan.
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Posted in No. 9, Politics, Sports0 Comments

Chicago Bears Excited to Implement “Actual NFL Offense”

Chicago Bears Excited to Implement “Actual NFL Offense”

This article was written in response to a lost bet to Allison “I’m from Minnesota, but I’m a Packers fan and have two last names” Ducharme-Smith.

HALAS HALL – Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith said he and offense coordinator Mike Tice are thrilled to see what an “actual NFL offense” looks like, as they plan to implement one this weekend against the Detroit Lions.

“We’ve been moving the ball a lot lately on offense,” said the Bears head coach. “Only problem is we’ve been moving backwards, largely because of sacks and offensive pass interference calls.”

“Jay Cutler’s getting sacked so much, he even got sacked after last week’s game while walking to his car,” Mike Tice told the media. “We clearly have to do a better job protecting our quarterback and it starts upfront with our offensive line.”

Injuries have been a problem and the current unit on the offensive line has struggled. Mike Tice has few options left and has gotten rather creative. He called former Bears fullback and defensive lineman William “The Fridge” Perry earlier last week to recruit his services.

“The Fridge has agreed to return to the NFL to play offensive line for the Bears,” added Tice. “We understand he has several health and drinking related problems and weighs close to 400 pounds now. We plan to have him lay down on our offensive line to force defenders to take a less direct route to Cutler. Should be a better strategy than using the guys we have now.”

Indeed, no actual NFL offense uses this strategy, but Mike Tice assured the media that it will produce results indicative of an actual offense.

Despite having a feared offense at the beginning of the season, the offense has been rather lackluster mainly due to an inconsistent running game and inability for Cutler to throw to anyone other than Brandon Marshall.

“Our plan,” explained Smith, “is to have our other receivers form a circle around Brandon Marshall as he runs his routes. That way, Cutler can just through it in Marshall’s direction and if he doesn’t catch it, hopefully one of our other receivers will catch the deflection. Let’s face it, that’s the only way these other guys will ever catch a pass.”

The Bears enter Sunday with a must win game over Detroit. Additionally, the Packers must lose to the Vikings for Chicago to make the playoffs. It was reported earlier today that Brandon Marshall was the only Bear not planning to root for Green Bay. Marshall is believed to have a tee time Monday morning in Florida with (soon to be former head coach) Lovie Smith.

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Posted in No. 6, Sports0 Comments

New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker

New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker

This article was published previously by Sam Block in The Northwestern Flipside in October of 2011.

CHICAGO – On Saturday, 20,000 athletes ran in the Chicago Marathon including 500 participants from New York. The event, according to city officials, was as successful as the combination of a hot dog, pickle, relish, onions, mustard, sweet peppers and a little celery salt. Nobody from New York agreed.

“Where the heck was Central Park?” asked 26-year-old Tony “The Tony” Margarita. “And why did they not give out cigarettes at the water station?”

Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room, that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction, and that the race was not as long as the New York Marathon.

Some people, including Milos Antic, a long time marathon runner, were happy the New Yorkers were there.

“Having so many New Yorkers in the race motivated me to run faster because I wanted to get as far away from them as possible,” said Antic in a phone interview.

Chicago Marathon officials promise that they will try to be more accommodating to New Yorkers for the 2013 Marathon by sending them down narrower streets, raising the entrance fee, and hiring actors wearing Red Sox hats to fall behind them at every stage of the race.

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Posted in No. 2, Sports0 Comments


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