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FSM State of the Union Address

FSM State of the Union Address

From the desk of the Class President:

Esteemed friends and colleagues,

It is my distinct pleasure as Class President to deliver the annual Feinberg State of the Union Address, honoring the age-old FSM 3.0 tradition of doing so via an online newspaper. I consider this an opportunity to evaluate how my administration has done so far in addressing your needs as well as an opportunity to fill you in on what’s in store for our class moving forward.

In case you used all four of your personal days during my tenure as President and therefore missed all of it, here are a few highlights of what we’ve accomplished so far.

Under my Presidency, I successfully kept the books out of our libraries. Your privilege, nay right, to spy on your classmates through the bookshelves and wonder if what they are studying is maybe something you should also be studying. I also participated in what was only the second worst rollout in the country this year: the Summative Portfolio (thanks healthcare.gov!). And most importantly, I saw at least 50% of the class complete Step 1. While this may be 50% less than any other class in the history of Feinberg entering M3 year, it’s also infinitely more than the number of students who completed Step 1 during my predecessor’s regime. Think about it.

While all of this has been great, I can confidently say things are only looking up for the class of 2016. I’ve been able to reach across the DHW aisle and create the following new policies for our M3 year.

Starting immediately, the no laptop policy from SAM V will now apply to life in general. You’ll thank me when you realize this means you never have to cope with NMH Guest Wi-Fi again. Additionally, the system of underlining, bolding, and highlighting from our weekly CEC emails that conditioned us to ignore 95% of any email from AWOME will now be incorporated into Powerchart to help us adjust to life on the wards. And finally, it is now required that all oral presentations during the Ob/Gyn rotation are delivered in the voice of Bane because we’ve finally found something we’re pretty sure Dr. Garcia likes.

In summary, I believe the state of our union is strong. I hope you are satisfied with your Feinberg experience thus far and are as excited as I am for our bright future together. May you fully enjoy the upcoming year and may the sparkle in your pretending-to-be-excited-about-everything M3 eye always be in the shape of the Feinberg competency compass.

God bless you, and God bless the Feinberg School of Medicine.

With love,

Amy

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Posted in No. 9, Politics0 Comments

Feinberg Students Attempt to Unionize

Feinberg Students Attempt to Unionize

CHICAGO — The Northwestern football team participated in an historic vote on Thursday that could change college athletics as we know it. Following the lead of their comrades to the north, Feinberg students are seeking to secure and uphold their rights by attempting to unionize as well.
“We’re think we deserve to better treatment,” explained medical student Nicole Palmer. “The football team claims that they are employees of the university. They make money for the university and are compensated by receiving an education. Because of that, they should be allowed to unionize. To me, football players and medical students are essentially in the same boat, so we should be able to unionize as well.”
She continued, “Football players have 3-a-day practices, we have 4-a-day lectures. They get yelled at by coaches, we get yelled at by attendings. They do service within the community, we do AOSC. They complete passes, we pass with concern. The similarities go on and on. But in the end, medical students provide this university with countless hours of free labor. We demand the right to form a union.”
A poll asking students what they hoped to gain from a Feinberg Union included three overriding responses: fewer plenaries, bigger marshmallows for bigger bridges, and a dental plan.
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Posted in No. 9, Politics, Sports0 Comments

AWOME to Hire U.S. Congress to Solve AOSC Financial Woes, Students Hope That “Two Wrongs Make a Right”

AWOME to Hire U.S. Congress to Solve AOSC Financial Woes, Students Hope That “Two Wrongs Make a Right”

WARD BUILDING – In light of the pending AOSC fiscal cliff, the Augusta Webster Office of Medical Education has decided to hire the U.S. Congress to help solve the financial fiasco. As part of FSM 3.0, students are now required to do a summer research project. Students seem a little trepidatious about the new requirement.  M1 Cindy Winstead stated, “I think AOSC will look good on my CV, but I’m a little worried about going into more debt. I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“We feel bad about making students go into more debt,” a spokesperson for AWOME told The Flipside. “We wanted to help the students out, so we asked ourselves, ‘Who is used to massive amounts of debt and has practice avoiding accountability for it?’ Naturally, the U.S. Congress was the first thing to come to mind.” Later this month both the House and the Senate will fly, first class of course, to Chicago and help AWOME find a solution for the flubbed AOSC funding.

M1 Tobias Trommler expressed his skepticism, “I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t think they’ll be able to pull it off. The cliff is too near and I think we’re doomed. I think our best bet is if they just cancel each other out. Kind of like on Jurassic Park. You know, when they’re getting chased by raptors and then the T-rex jumps in and eats the raptors? I just hope that AWOME and Congress can distract each other enough so that the rest of us can get away.”

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Posted in No. 7, Politics0 Comments

M1s Disappointed by Lack of AOSC Funding Discussion in State of the Union

M1s Disappointed by Lack of AOSC Funding Discussion in State of the Union

CHICAGO – First year students were dismayed last Tuesday night when President Barack Obama failed to propose a solution to the lack of summer funding for the M1s’ mandatory Area of Scholarly Concentration project. While Obama discussed many issues in his speech – from healthcare reform to gun control – he did not address the one budget gap that is concerning students at Feinberg School of Medicine most.

“I took time off from studying to watch the speech,” said Eileen Richardson, a concerned M1. “Now I don’t know what BOOP is and there’s still no answer to how I’m supposed to pay rent in June and July.”

Students were hopeful the Obama administration would be able to find an answer to the question that has plagued the M1s since Arrival Week: how will the mandatory research for the coming summer be funded?

“Haven’t we talked about climate change enough?” Caleb Hui, another distraught first year student, asked. “I was really hoping Obama could shift gears, roll up his sleeves and solve a real problem.”

“See if I vote for him next time,” Hui added.

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Posted in No. 7, Politics0 Comments

<em>Flipside News Network</em> Projects Unanimous Obama Victory

Flipside News Network Projects Unanimous Obama Victory

DISCLAIMER: This projection and study was funded by MSNBC, CNN, NPR, the City of Chicago, the Democratic Party, Boystown, women, pretty much every academic institution, and most developed countries.

FLIPSIDE NEWS HEADQUARTERS (AKA SECRET BASEMENT FORT) – President Barack Obama will win Tuesday’s election over Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, by a margin of 538 electoral votes to zero, according to the Flipside News Network’s recent projection. Representatives from every Flipside convened in an undisclosed location this weekend to analyze the data gathered from a nearly one month study.

“We’ve utilized our collective resources and, with help from our generous contributors, produced a very accurate and precise projection, one that we’re very proud of,” a Flipside News Network spokesperson stated to the press.

The representative from The Feinberg Flipside informed reporters, “Everything that I learned from Medical Decision Making was used in this study. Confidence intervals, relative risk ratios, that other risk ratio that was on the exam that I couldn’t figure out, and all the biases. Especially selection bias [wink wink].”

Despite their assuring the media that the study was done honestly and correctly, there are many who doubt the predictive value and validity of the Flipside News Network’s work. The bias of the Flipside representatives has come into question because of the organization’s history of being liberal regarding more or less every political issue, as well as their refusal to attract readers other than college students.

“All they did was contact their friends, at least one from every state,” one GOP pundit explained on Fox News. “That’s the only way Mississippi and Alabama are going blue.”

The representative from The Stanford Flipside later admitted, “Well, we don’t know anyone other than college students. We were going to call people outside of academia to see who they were voting for, but we didn’t have time, what with midterms and football to worry about.”

The Flipside News Network plans to outsource their next study to statistics majors and not blow all their money on a kegger and donations to the Democratic Party.

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Posted in No. 4, Politics0 Comments

GOP Lawmakers to Move on “Uterus Chokehold Bill”

GOP Lawmakers to Move on “Uterus Chokehold Bill”

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a press conference release Monday, Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner introduced his party’s plan to implement the controversial “Uterus Chokehold Bill”  in the increasing GOP effort to limit access to abortions nationwide.

“We figure, if you can’t fight it, fight it,” stated the Speaker – who is very excited for the bill’s foundational role in the GOP’s “pro life” platform moving forward.  “This is really ground-breaking stuff here, and we’re excited to hopefully see it implemented in states across the nation.”

The “Uterus Chokehold Bill,” as it’s already being called, would require doctors to make women jump through a 10 foot diameter ring of fire (while undergoing a mandated transvaginal ultrasound) among other requirements before being allowed the option for elective abortion of pregnancy.

“We really think the Chokehold will make women reconsider their choice to receive an abortion, and make the all-important decision for life,” GOP representatives told The Flipside earlier today.  The next few days on Capital Hill will certainly be breathtaking, as the House debates the many clauses of the Chokehold Bill.

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Posted in No. 3, Politics0 Comments


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