Archive | Medicine

Ethical questions posed to class by wide-eyed, bloodstained Tod Chambers

Ethical questions posed to class by wide-eyed, bloodstained Tod Chambers

CHICAGO, IL—While reportedly pausing to cast a furtive glance around his McGaw Pavilion classroom, a disheveled Associate Professor Dr. Tod Chambers began Clinical Ethics with an abrupt question, sources confirmed Tuesday.

“Kimberly, what’s the difference between doing surgery and stabbing someone on the street?” asked the bloodstained Dr. Chambers, adding that he would really like to know.

Unsatisfied with the student’s answer, the visibly perspiring professor went on to explain that while assaulting another might seem really bad, there are a number of mitigated factors one should take into account, such as how well the two people knew each other, whether the other person started the altercation and if it all just happened so quickly that there was no time to think. He then began a lengthy explanation of how accidental homicide really isn’t too different from a medical procedure if you really think about it, pausing only once to roll up his Oxford shirt’s crimson sleeves.

Student reviews of the class were mixed. “I thought it was a pretty good class overall,” reported first-year medical student Daniel “Dan” O’Brian, “although Dr. Chambers did seem really worried when I said I thought the main difference between surgery and stabbing something was consent. Maybe I missed something from his lecture?” Other students commended his “clear and frantic passion” for the subject matter but noted that the frenzied speed with which he gave his lecture rendered it sometimes hard to follow. Still, most onlookers agreed that the session far surpassed the preceding PBL session in which the lead facilitator repeatedly asked the class for any more thoughts about the patient’s diagnosis, noting that he was pretty much out of ideas himself.

At press time, the disheveled professor was asking the next class about the most ethical place to hide a body.

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Posted in Medicine, No. 120 Comments

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

PRENTICE WOMEN’S HOSPITAL—Flourishing an ultrasound wand with the sagely demeanor of an all-knowing oracle, local obstetrician-gynecologist resident Dr. Adel Emilie foresaw the future of an unborn child, sources confirmed Thursday.

Reportedly, the expectant mother Katie Mariana visited Prentice Women’s Hospital Thursday for a glimpse into the future for her 8-week-old offspring. As per his usual procedure, Dr. Emilie positioned Mariana on the bed, explained the practice that would soon unfold and selected the curvilinear wand from an array of arcane implements on the bedside. The practitioner then begin gliding and rocking the tool over the mother’s stomach to peer into the very heart of her unborn progeny.

Adjusting the gain of the ultrasound, the wise oracle prognosticated that “he’s going to be an adorable baby” to the delight of Mariana. “Oh look, that’s going to be his heart!” the augur explained, effortlessly defying the temporal structure of the universe itself.  Divining the course of events as yet unfolded, the learned prophet added that he was sure things would turn out just fine for the rest of the pregnancy.

Afterwards, Mariana explained that the visit went well and that the only difficulty came when the ultrasound gel ran a little low. Still, before she could even point it out, the enlightened physician had exclaimed “Whoops, let me add a little more gel,” pausing his occult scrutiny to apply an enigmatic, medicinal poultice over the mother’s swollen stomach.

At press time, the sage resident had boldly announced to all in the next room the sex of the following patient’s child.

Posted in Medicine, No. 120 Comments

Surgery Attending Finishes Student Evals in Record Time with Creation of “.MS3” Dot-Phrase

Surgery Attending Finishes Student Evals in Record Time with Creation of “.MS3” Dot-Phrase

FEINBERG PAVILION, 5TH FLOOR – General surgery Blue service attending, Dr. Ellis, finished the ten evaluations of the M3s he’s worked with during the last surgery clerkship block, just hours before the 4-week post SHELF deadline. Traditionally, he finishes with minutes to spare, but credits this successful grading session to a new dot-phrase:

 

Comments for Narrative:

First name (spelled incorrectly) was a good (may omit “good” entirely) member of the surgery team. S/he was on time (which I don’t really know because I always showed up three hours after the students) and present for all surgeries (I assume you were here, though I could have easily mistaken you for a nurse). S/he had a good/adequate/mediocre/average/decent/second-rate/undistinguished/uninspired/pedestrian knowledge base and ability to answer intraoperative questions. S/he needed a lot of help as a camera driver (no qualifiers needed, all med students stink at this). S/he completed all tasks on time (again, I assume, I’ve never looked at a med student note). S/he had communication skills that were below expected for his/her training level.

Confidential Feedback:

See narrative (who cares).

 

Dr. Ellis admitted that filling out evaluations 4 weeks after the conclusion of an 8 week clerkship was difficult, as he hadn’t worked with some of his students in about 12 weeks prior to thinking about filling out an assessment.

“The honest truth,” Dr. Ellis described to The Flipside, “is that all of my evaluations in the past were more or less the same. To not have to do any additional work outside of the operating whatsoever is my life’s purpose, even when it involves potentially helping those who helped take care of my patients…for free. And I can tell you this because I have tenure!”

The surgery clerkship director was unavailable for comment. Instead, the surgery clerkship coordinator responded to this Flipside reporter by email, with only the following message:

.surgclerkcomplaintresponse

Special thanks to Daniel Colon for his contributions to this article. 

Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

Trends in Residency Interviews: Applicants to be Replaced by Cardboard Cutouts at Meet and Greet

Trends in Residency Interviews: Applicants to be Replaced by Cardboard Cutouts at Meet and Greet

University Hospital, NY—Lena Nelson was more than baffled when the residency coordinator from University Hospital contacted her requesting a high-resolution, professional, full-body photograph to be printed as a life-sized cardboard cutout. “Usually when I get these e-mails they ask if I want chicken, fish, or vegetarian—the request to make a life-sized cardboard cutout came from left field,” the bewildered applicant expressed. The email explained that rather than having students actually attend the meet and greet, they felt it would be more beneficial for applicants to be replaced by life-sized cardboard figures.

Irene Pearson, the program coordinator, divulged that many of the interns and residents feel awkward around applicants. “They just want a free meal and to catch-up with fellow residents without being bombarded by frivolous questions like how happy they are at the program, how much vacation they get, what compensation is like, available benefits, and how much food allowance they get per month,” Pearson pointed out. “Overall, we’re finding the actual presence of the applicants unnecessary and redundant.”

When Nelson expressed concern over her ability to stand out without being present at the dinner she received a reply from the program explaining the option to submit a pre-recorded message (for a small fee) in order to add a personal touch to her cardboard clone. The email detailed that “applicants may submit a pre-recorded message denoting key information such as: applicant’s name, home state, medical school, reason for choosing this program, and their favorite ice cream flavor.”

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Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

M4 with OCD Certifies Rank List in Alphabetical Order

M4 with OCD Certifies Rank List in Alphabetical Order

CHICAGO – Determining the Rank List is one of the most daunting tasks of medical school. It’s a time when each medical student in the country must take into consideration a plethora of information to decide where they’d like to attend residency. For the FSM class of 2016, the entire class was not certified until the morning of the last possible day, thanks in part to one M4 student with severe OCD.

“I wish I could say this with hyperbole, but I stared at my Rank List non-stop for over a month,” Ben Dawson revealed to The Flipside in an exclusive interview. “The anxiety, the sleep loss, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get it to the point that it felt ‘just right.’ And by that, I mean I felt like Goldilocks trying out different porridges, but never finding the right temperature.”

With pressure from AWOME, Dawson was forced to make up his mind.

“When I put it in alphabetical order, things just made sense. The anxiety was gone. It looked and felt great!”

Dawson was happy to share that he matched in Anesthesiology to a program in Abbeville, Louisiana.

Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

AOSC Committee Fails to Give Coveted “Checkmark” to M4 Thesis: An Objective Protocol to Assess How Many Licks it Takes to Get to Center of Tootsie Pop

AOSC Committee Fails to Give Coveted “Checkmark” to M4 Thesis: An Objective Protocol to Assess How Many Licks it Takes to Get to Center of Tootsie Pop

WARD BUILDING – It was nearly the perfect AOSC project. Fast, easy, delicious, and possibly could provide an answer to an age old question: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Many have tried and all of them have failed the scientific method, as there have been no attempts to objectively study this question (really though, I did a literature search because this is something I’d like to see studied). When FSM senior Elizabeth Branden came up with the idea at the start of medical school, she knew her main difficulty would be finding a mentor.

She sent several dozen emails before finding a faculty member willing to take on her project. She set up a quick meeting with Dr. Owl (pictured), an Associate Professor of Biological Sciences on the Evanston campus.

“The IRB was very confused by our proposal,” Branden described to The Flipside. “We had to resubmit our request at least 10 times.”

Though she says she can’t reveal the full protocol before it’s published, Branden describes working with a post-doctorate student to use stem cells to create several clones of the same human tongue. You can imagine the rest from there.

Though potentially groundbreaking, the AOSC committee denied Branden’s thesis for a second time.

“It’s heartbreaking,” she added. “This is something that’s puzzled the scientific community for years. I guess the world may never know.”

Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

Resident Talking to You about “Steep Learning Curve” Again

Resident Talking to You about “Steep Learning Curve” Again

FEINBERG 10 EAST – After responding to a question from his neurology attending with “tPa is indicated here” despite the patient having had three hemorrhagic strokes in the last two months, comes in complaining of the worst headache of his life, and a BP of 214/128, Phase II student Larry Walker was pulled aside by his resident during the middle of rounds.

Although the first half of the conversation was missed, the subintern was able to recite the second half of the resident’s discussion to Flipside reporters.

“You know, I know you’re trying, and you’ve been a great help to the team. Medicine, and neurology especially, is really challenging. It’s a really steep learning curve; it’ll all get easier as you go along.”

Walker describes that this isn’t the first time he’s heard the term ‘steep learning curve.’

“I heard that all over the place during the SAM week before Phase II, at the beginning of Phase II, and just this week in fact. Honestly, I don’t get it. I can’t figure out what it means. What does the steepness of the slope have anything to do with it? Is that supposed to mean it gets easier later on because then the slope becomes negative? But the line has a curvature to it? When does it curve? I wonder if it’s similar to a ‘slippery slope.’ Now, I’ve spent my entire life avoiding slippery slopes. Which do you think is worse to be on, a ‘steep learning curve’ or a slippery slope? They both sound pretty bad to me.”

The Flipside reporter left the interviewee mid-rant and was regrettably unable to finish this story.

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Posted in Medicine, No. 100 Comments

Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

CHICAGO — In a fitting follow up to their acclaimed, 1980s-themed charitable bash, Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari announced this morning a $10 million contribution to help launch the Northwestern University Antavax Research Institute.

“Jay and I have gotten a lot of…attention…lately regarding our choice not to vaccinate, and we’re looking to put our money where our mouth is!  Antavax will be on the cutting edge of vaccine-undermining research!” Cavallari informed Flipside reporters.

Northwestern recently announced plans for the state-of-the-art, 20 story Antavax Institute building — set to replace the old Prentice Women’s Hospital.  A competition among many high-power architecture firms to design Antavax’s shining exterior is set to begin in two months.

Northwestern officials sat down with Flipside reporters and were bubbling over the future potential of the impending Antavax Institute:  “We here at Northwestern are truly excited to use the Cutler family’s generous donation to help get Antavax off the ground.  With the removal of former Prentice Women’s Hospital in motion and Antavax soon to take its place, our medical campus is taking yet another step towards becoming one of the most innovative biomedical centers in the country!”

A main focus of Antavax will be concentrated in the Wakefield Wing, where MMR vaccines will be scrutinized for associations with autism, colitis, childhood obesity, extra-smelly poopy diapers, and general snarkiness as teenagers.

“The Antavax Institute will bring a level of research, innovation, and discovery to the area that will be just infectious!” Cavallari relayed to The Flipside.

At press time,  the entire Cutler family was seen entering Lurie Children’s Hospital to visit with and raise the hopes of children awaiting bone marrow transplants.

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Posted in Business, Medicine, No. 90 Comments

Baby Steps: Practice USMLE Question

Baby Steps: Practice USMLE Question

A 32-year-old immigrant from Bulgaria who is not a female presents to your office with a cough. He claims that the cough came on suddenly over a period of 2 months. He has a history of diabetes, CHF, Diphyllobothrium latum infection, and histrionic personality disorder. As a child he was employed at a battery factory, but he currently works on a goat farm. Vital signs are as follows: HR 98 bpm, RR 22, BP 135/80, Phosphorus 2.5 mg/dL. How many codons are in the gene that codes for the exotoxin of the most common bacteria transmitted via rhinoceros saliva?

a) 5

b) 6.022 x 10^23

c) 1

d) 125

e) Lupus

 

Answer: e

Explanation: It’s always lupus.

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Posted in Medicine, No. 90 Comments

M1 Touches “Boobie” For First Time

M1 Touches “Boobie” For First Time

CHICAGO — Feinberg M1 Grayson Fletcher finally did it.  Yup, that’s right.

“I touched a boobi–I mean breast!  It was glorious,” revealed Fletcher.  Fletcher is of course referring to the M1’s initial experience with breast models used in the CEC as an introduction to performing a clinical breast exam.

“Now I know it’s in the context of CEC, but I called my mother and she told me that it ‘totally counts.’ She was really excited for me.  I hope next time they don’t have all those lumps in them”

Flipside reporters were able to delve into how an OK-looking, heterosexual male had gone the first 23 years of his life without seeing, feeling, or even brushing against a breast of the opposite sex.

“Well, ya know, during college I’d go out and use my World of Warcraft pickup lines, but for some reason they just never took.  I couldn’t explain it.  My mom couldn’t explain it.  It was just one of those things.  But in med school, things are just so much easier.  I’m glad to finally be a card-carrying member of the club.”

Fletcher is reportedly both “excited and nervous” for the OB/GYN module coming up in the near future.

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Posted in Local, Medicine, No. 50 Comments

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