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Lost tour group of 2012 rescued from underground tunnels

During the winter of 2012, two tour guides and six interviewees disappeared into the tunnels under the school during a tour. They would not resurface for another six years. Last Thursday, they were discovered shambling into Galter Library. They are being treated at Northwestern Memorial Hospital and reported to be in stable condition.

Galter Library was nearly silent last Thursday night at 10:00 p.m., one hour before closing. Despite the quietude, the library was full of M1s studying furiously for their pulmonary module exam. As the night wore on, the silence became increasing punctuated by sporadic bursts of hysterical sobbing. Such was the environment that when eight disheveled men and women stumbled into the library at 10:55 p.m., none of the M1s even noticed.

The librarians noticed. Vigilant as ever, they asked the newcomers to show their IDs. All eight men and women simultaneously experienced episodes of syncope. Upon being rushed to the Northwestern Memorial Hospital Memorial Emergency Department, staff discovered a long expired Northwestern Wildcard that identified one woman as Jemima Jones, a woman Flipside reporters quickly discovered was a past Feinberg student who would have graduated in 2015 had she not tragically disappeared while giving a tour to interviewees in 2012. Jones appeared to be the leader of the group as she was wearing an elaborate necklace woven from six name tag lanyards.

The M1s barely noticed the commotion. At 11:00 p.m., they stirred only to put away their laptops and tear-soaked copies of First Aid, glancing past the ambulances and medics carrying away eight unconscious bodies and moving to the 24-hour section of the library.

Flipside reporters were lucky to get exclusive interviews with the survivors on Tuesday morning.

“We were lucky to survive,” one interviewee stated, a grim look on her face. “We kept ourselves nourished by drinking the condensation off of the heating pipes and attacking the pizza delivery people who also got lost in the tunnels every week or so. The trick is to get to them before they join ‘the Others.’”

Evidently, the tour group was not alone in the underground tunnels. The overhead lights never turned off, but they knew that it was daytime when they were awoken with the smells of pizza drifting tantalizingly from the far reaches of the tunnels, just beyond the corner. On their second day underground, they made the mistake of following the smells to the hideout of ‘the Others.” None of the survivors would tell us any more.

When pressed, an interviewee responded only by shouting repeatedly, “the pipes, the pipes, where do they go?”

“It was pretty intense,” gushed another interviewee. “I mean I heard from that Feinberg interviews were pretty chill, so I wasn’t really expecting that and there were moments when I almost got kind of stressed, but for the most part I stayed confident and I think I did really well. When will I be hearing back?”

Posted in Articles, Local0 Comments

High blood pressure guidelines lowered

Feinberg Voices

After the The American Heart Association and ten other groups redefined high blood pressure as a reading of 130 over 80, nearly half of all U.S. adults now will be considered hypertensive. What do you think?

r3 They’re changing already? But I just finished hearing about BP guidelines for the first time!


 h4 I was just hoping for an excuse to hire a whole new batch of slightly healthier standardized patients.


Guidelines? There are guidelines?



Posted in Articles, Local, No. 120 Comments

Local gunner lives life at 1.75x speed

Local gunner lives life at 1.75x speed

CHICAGO, IL—Feinberg medical student Camille Cross was so enamored with the speeding functions of Panopto that she converted her entire lifestyle to 1.75x speed, multiple sources confirmed Friday.

Her roommate, Paige Paisley, first alerted fellow students to Cross’s new lifestyle two weeks ago by posting a Snapchat story of Cross watching House and The Bachelorette on Netflix at 1.75x speed. “I didn’t think much of it,” Paisley confided, “but then I found out she manipulated the plumbing to almost double the shower’s flow rate.” Shortly after, Paisley also confirmed to Flipside that Cross has begun sleeping at a rate that could only be described as 1.75x speed. “It’s not like she’s not getting enough sleep,” Paisley explained, “but it’s more like she naps for 4.5 hours and gives out a snore every six seconds. Her respirations are way too fast to be normal.”

Cross’s CEC preceptor, Dr. Parth Radhakrishnan, confirms. “When Camille is in a room with the standardized patients, she insists on speaking extra quickly to them and finishing her conversations around 1.75 times faster than anyone else. I’m not sure how to give her feedback. It’s both impressive and highly disconcerting.”

None of the classmates Flipside contacted were quite sure what exactly inspired Cross’s new lifestyle. Some speculated it was her desire to have the reputation as “that” gunner. Others thought it was watching and rewatching Dr. Joel Charrow’s lectures at normal speed that broke her.

Paisley could not be reached for comment, as she was busy starting her second AOSC project with the extra time she made.

Updated 11:43 am CST: Cross has been admitted into Northwestern Memorial Hospital for tachycardia.

Posted in Local, No. 120 Comments

M4 Pyromaniac Really Disappointed by “Match” Day

M4 Pyromaniac Really Disappointed by “Match” Day

GINO’S EAST – Area pyromaniac and Feinberg School of Medicine M4 Alex “Arson” Harrington was heated on his way home from Match Day 2016. In fact, the soon-to-be MD was asked to leave the event.

“He seemed pretty steamed,” several onlookers’ informed Flipside staff. “He was in a hurry to get out of there, but I’m pretty sure he darted down Fairbanks while lighting his envelope and Match information on fire. I thought for sure he was unhappy with the results [of his NRMP Match].”

Despite matching at Stanford in Internal Medicine, it seems something else was bothering Harrington, which he openly discussed to The Flipside via email.

“This was not my finest hour, not in the least. I had been excited for this day for months and it didn’t turn out the way I would have hoped.”

Harrington describes a lifelong battle with pyromania, describing himself as a “friend of fire.” He was hoping to come out to his classmates when he received an email invitation advertising a “match party.” He admits to bringing several boxes of matches, lighters, and lighter fluid to the Match Day celebration.

“I bought the good matches, several boxes of them,” Harrington added. “UCO high quality survival windproof and waterproof matches, the best money can buy. I spent the last of my loans on them.”

Harrington is unsure what he’ll burn with his new matches, though he says he’s given serious thought to burning his old course packets from Phase I, which would be satisfying for more reasons than one.

The Department of Medicine at Stanford did not immediately return correspondence.

Posted in Featured, Local, No. 110 Comments

Da Vinci Surgical Robot Really Excited for IC2

Da Vinci Surgical Robot Really Excited for IC2

Da Vinci Surgical Robot, from Danbury CT, is looking forward to joining his peers on the afternoon of January 23 for a few hours of quiet reflection and ophthalmology training.

“I think it’s really great that we get to press pause once a month, come together, and reflect on all we’ve been learning, on how all this is changing us, on how the process of vocational discernment is affecting us positively or negatively,” says Da Vinci Surgical Robot between sips of Dunkin’ Donuts Dark Roast. “Even though medicine is ostensibly ‘about,’ you know, ‘other people,’ there’s a certain solipsism to the third year experience – focused as one is on how one’s praxis is affecting one’s self, projecting those affects forward onto a future that is entirely one’s own – and these afternoons do just enough to bring me out of all that, to remind me that there are a bunch of us who are in this together, and we’ll soon be joining a bunch of others who have been there before.”

Da Vinci Surgical Robot is especially looking forward to checking in on friends he hasn’t seen in a while. “It’s an exciting time. People are starting to decide how they’re going to be spending the next 40 years of their lives.” Da Vinci Surgical Robot credits the upcoming session’s PTTP blog post assignment for bringing this to the fore. “What are your values? What do you want from your professional life? What do you want from your home life? These are the questions.”

Da Vinci Surgical Robot shares an excerpt from his own post. “Priority 1: do surgeries.” When pressed about what other sorts of things Da Vinci Surgical Robot is looking for either professionally or personally, Da Vinci Surgical Robot becomes quiet, then the hum of internal processing amplifies in fits and starts until a tendril of smoke emanates from the lubricated jointspace of Da Vinci Surgical Robot’s anamatronic arm. Da Vinci Surgical Robot replies after a moment, a note of anguish imperceptible in the monotone, “I want to play bass in the Chuck E. Cheese’s band,” and projects a hologram of a space princess asking to be helped. A black monolith then appears and nothing is the same again.

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Posted in Local, No. 100 Comments

M3 Gets Below Benchmark Rating from ABP Employee on Checkout Etiquette

M3 Gets Below Benchmark Rating from ABP Employee on Checkout Etiquette

FEINBERG PAVILION – The New Curriculum has proven to be dynamic, especially when it comes to the evaluation process and portfolio system. After the start of Phase II, AWOME announced that in addition to residents and attendings evaluating students during their clerkships, students would have to seek out nurses for evaluations as well.

More recently, in response to student complaints that there have been too few evaluations to properly fill out this year’s portfolio review, AWOME has further expanded evaluations to various staff throughout NMH as of 2015.

Marisa Underwood, c/o 2016, found this out the hard way, as she unexpectedly received a below benchmark evaluation after buying lunch from ABP while on her Medicine clerkship.

“I must have missed that email,” Marisa pleaded to The Flipside. “The eval said that I wasn’t paying attention and didn’t go to the open register when it was available, instead I was standing around ‘in a daze.’ I lost big points for ‘Student as Communicator’ there. I must not have said ‘thank you,’ because my professionalism score was low as well.”

The class of 2016 has so far shown frustration with ‘Big Brother’ constantly looking over their shoulder. MS3 Sam Overwood has found his Phase II year to be difficult for that reason.

“It makes me really anxious! Having to impress my residents and attendings and the thought in the back of your head that you’re always being watched makes everything so much more difficult. With the addition of nursing evals now, I can’t go anywhere without feeling like I’m under a microscope!”

Evaluations are important in directing the areas of improvement for medical students, but excessive evaluation can actually inhibit the educational process in that the pressure to do well becomes overwhelming. In addition, the more that we’re observed, the more artificial the experience becomes. As in any study, the act of observation inherently changes the outcome, as well as the behavior of the group being studied (i.e. Hawthorne effect). Clerkships become more of a ‘game’ or ‘objective’ of impressing others, as opposed to being a genuine learning experience within the process of patient care.

Regardless, AWOME’s broadened evaluation initiative will continue. Per one AWOME spokesperson, students can expect evaluations from janitors, security guards, and candy stripers in the near future. Sources close to The Flipside believe AWOME is hoping to put GoPro cameras on every member of the class of 2017 when they start Phase II, which would give Feinberg students plenty of data to discuss for their summative portfolio reviews.

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Posted in Local, No. 100 Comments

FSM Student, Remembering he Came Here Because he “Just Wanted to Help People,” Becomes Crossing Guard

FSM Student, Remembering he Came Here Because he “Just Wanted to Help People,” Becomes Crossing Guard

CHICAGO – Former class of 2016 student Sam Bartholemew has moved on. “I remembered that I just wanted to help people,” says Mr. Bartholemew between green lights on the north-east corner of Ogden and Grand. “It’s why I got into medicine.” It is a windy afternoon, and the children are returning home from school.

“I ultimately just found a much more direct way to do what I love.” Now, Mr. Bartholemew helps people cross streets. “I’m a crossing guard. Helping people is basically all I do.”

Mr. Bartholemew had been an honors student during her third year of medical school. When asked what caused her to reconsider her vocation, she notes, “I loved medicine. Loved it. But you have to be true to yourself. I just wanted to help people. It’s what I had been saying from the beginning. Look at me now.”

The light, as ever, turns green. Mr. Bartholemew stands from his beach chair, whistle pursed between his lips, smoothes his reflective orange vest, gestures firmly to the stationary traffic with his hand-held stop sign, and escorts a high school junior across the street. He grins ear-to-ear.

He leaves behind, commemorating another life, a dozen-or-so publications concerning breast reconstruction on which he is a late-middle author.

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Posted in Local, No. 100 Comments

Feinberg Bane Only Student “Promoted with Distinction”

Feinberg Bane Only Student “Promoted with Distinction”

AWOME – The results of the Phase 1 portfolio review were released by the Portfolio Review Committee earlier this week. The individualized feedback was originally promised to be delivered about four weeks prior and, as a result, the Committee received a below benchmark rating in PBMR-5 (arrives on time) from the students.

The class of 2016 was originally informed that each competency would be graded on a scale from “requires remediation” to “promoted with distinction” and that this information would be reported to residency  programs in the future. That decision was quickly rescinded, as the Committee cited concerns over Phase 1’s pass/fail policy. In recent days, it has been reported that such a decision has been upheld, but with one minor modification.

“We are delighted to promote the first members of our new curriculum into Feinberg’s clinical years and wish them continued success,” a spokesman for AWOME said in a press conference Tuesday. “We expect that the students that have been ‘promoted’ will begin their clerkships in May and June. Despite our earlier promise to only award the distinction of ‘promotion,’ our Portfolio Review Committee has decided to award one exemplary student with the “promotion with distinction” label.

Sources close to the The Flipside have confirmed that this medical student is none other than Feinberg Bane, a known member of the League of Shadows. He was “promoted with distinction” in all competencies, as early reports suggest he received ratings of “9” in all evaluations submitted to date.

“It doesn’t surprise me,” Adriana Nabakov, member of the class of 2016, disclosed to The Flipside. “The administration has adopted him as the defender of the new curriculum, so of course they like him. Plus, his PBL presentations were always pretty awesome I guess. And those cookies he made for his small groups were like nothing I’ve ever tasted. Delicious! You know what, he deserves the honor.”

Fellow student Alan Harpington wasn’t so quick to give Bane accolades.

“Oh, please. Bane thinks he’s so smart, that he knows everything. Always looking for ways to be a gunner. He’s no better than the rest of us.”

At press time, Alan Harpington was reported missing. He has not been seen on campus since early Tuesday morning.


AWOME has confirmed that Feinberg Bane will graduate with the MD class of 2014 in the upcoming Feinberg commencement. School officials cited his impeccable portfolio review as the reason for his early graduation.

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Posted in Local, No. 90 Comments

Rising M3 Acknowledges Nodding Head, Conspicuously Whispering ‘Yes’ After Providing Wrong Answer to Clicker Question

Rising M3 Acknowledges Nodding Head, Conspicuously Whispering ‘Yes’ After Providing Wrong Answer to Clicker Question

DHW – “Really, it started out as just honest enthusiasm,” says recently promoted MS3 Dane O’Broughlaine. “Over the material, over the technology – it was all so fascinating then. Pretty soon, it was fueled by pure dread.”

O’Broughlaine, once widely recognized for his aptitude as an ARS respondent, now admits to affecting on several occasions approving, congratulatory gestures following the revelation of answers to ARS questions after only moments before submitting an incorrect response.

“I’d get an answer wrong, and maybe I’d nod a little, you know, maybe whisper, yes,” continues O’Broughlaine. “More often than not, it was a farce.”

“Foundations II, that’s when things got really heavy for me.” O’Broughlaine recalls feeling overwhelmed by the weight of expectations he had established among peers in his general vicinity in Hughes auditorium by consistently nodding after the answers to Foundations I ARS questions were revealed, as if discrete revelations of scientific insight had concurrently revealed for himself and for those around him the workings of his astonishing intellect.

“I mean, once I nodded after egregiously misunderstanding the Lifestyle Medicine ARS question where we calculated METs, or whatever, there was really no going back.”

Eyes fixed somewhere in the middle distance, O’Broughlaine appears weathered, forlorn. “My actual response was off by several orders of magnitude, but there I was, nodding in the face of my error, as if METs were things one could actually calculate.”

Soon, to his classmates, O’Broughlaine was one who could be counted on to deliver a correct ARS response and ballast the class average, and to do so with a style and nonchalance made manifest by a gentle sway of the head, or a quietly ascendant whisper. Yet beneath his casual exterior was hidden profound turmoil.

“I mean, 64% of the class knew what she was getting at with that one?” Dissociative musings of this kind continue on for several minutes. “Are you kidding me? What does adnexal even mean? It was just too painful.”

Returning his clicker at the end of the M2 academic year was a salve for O’Broughlaine. “Oh, the force with which I used to indiscriminately mash those buttons…” His gaze returns briefly to the ambivalent grounds of his recollecting, and then regains its station in the present. “Returning that thing to its source freed me from it, and I feel cleansed.”

O’Broughlaine is looking forward to a fresh start on the wards. “And you know what else doesn’t hurt?” he asks, “Getting a cumulative 98% on the UWorld QBank.” He gives a gentle nod.

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Posted in Local, No. 90 Comments

Concept Map: “To class, or not to class”


To class, or not to class

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Posted in Local, No. 90 Comments


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