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High blood pressure guidelines lowered

Feinberg Voices

After the The American Heart Association and ten other groups redefined high blood pressure as a reading of 130 over 80, nearly half of all U.S. adults now will be considered hypertensive. What do you think?

r3 They’re changing already? But I just finished hearing about BP guidelines for the first time!

ZOYA RANDI, M1

 h4 I was just hoping for an excuse to hire a whole new batch of slightly healthier standardized patients.

DR. HEATHER HEIMAN, CEC MEDICAL DIRECTOR

Guidelines? There are guidelines?

DR. ERIC NEILSON, VP FOR MEDICAL AFFAIRS AND DEAN

 

Posted in Articles, Local, No. 120 Comments

Ethical questions posed to class by wide-eyed, bloodstained Tod Chambers

Ethical questions posed to class by wide-eyed, bloodstained Tod Chambers

CHICAGO, IL—While reportedly pausing to cast a furtive glance around his McGaw Pavilion classroom, a disheveled Associate Professor Dr. Tod Chambers began Clinical Ethics with an abrupt question, sources confirmed Tuesday.

“Kimberly, what’s the difference between doing surgery and stabbing someone on the street?” asked the bloodstained Dr. Chambers, adding that he would really like to know.

Unsatisfied with the student’s answer, the visibly perspiring professor went on to explain that while assaulting another might seem really bad, there are a number of mitigated factors one should take into account, such as how well the two people knew each other, whether the other person started the altercation and if it all just happened so quickly that there was no time to think. He then began a lengthy explanation of how accidental homicide really isn’t too different from a medical procedure if you really think about it, pausing only once to roll up his Oxford shirt’s crimson sleeves.

Student reviews of the class were mixed. “I thought it was a pretty good class overall,” reported first-year medical student Daniel “Dan” O’Brian, “although Dr. Chambers did seem really worried when I said I thought the main difference between surgery and stabbing something was consent. Maybe I missed something from his lecture?” Other students commended his “clear and frantic passion” for the subject matter but noted that the frenzied speed with which he gave his lecture rendered it sometimes hard to follow. Still, most onlookers agreed that the session far surpassed the preceding PBL session in which the lead facilitator repeatedly asked the class for any more thoughts about the patient’s diagnosis, noting that he was pretty much out of ideas himself.

At press time, the disheveled professor was asking the next class about the most ethical place to hide a body.

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Posted in Medicine, No. 120 Comments

Local gunner lives life at 1.75x speed

Local gunner lives life at 1.75x speed

CHICAGO, IL—Feinberg medical student Camille Cross was so enamored with the speeding functions of Panopto that she converted her entire lifestyle to 1.75x speed, multiple sources confirmed Friday.

Her roommate, Paige Paisley, first alerted fellow students to Cross’s new lifestyle two weeks ago by posting a Snapchat story of Cross watching House and The Bachelorette on Netflix at 1.75x speed. “I didn’t think much of it,” Paisley confided, “but then I found out she manipulated the plumbing to almost double the shower’s flow rate.” Shortly after, Paisley also confirmed to Flipside that Cross has begun sleeping at a rate that could only be described as 1.75x speed. “It’s not like she’s not getting enough sleep,” Paisley explained, “but it’s more like she naps for 4.5 hours and gives out a snore every six seconds. Her respirations are way too fast to be normal.”

Cross’s CEC preceptor, Dr. Parth Radhakrishnan, confirms. “When Camille is in a room with the standardized patients, she insists on speaking extra quickly to them and finishing her conversations around 1.75 times faster than anyone else. I’m not sure how to give her feedback. It’s both impressive and highly disconcerting.”

None of the classmates Flipside contacted were quite sure what exactly inspired Cross’s new lifestyle. Some speculated it was her desire to have the reputation as “that” gunner. Others thought it was watching and rewatching Dr. Joel Charrow’s lectures at normal speed that broke her.

Paisley could not be reached for comment, as she was busy starting her second AOSC project with the extra time she made.

Updated 11:43 am CST: Cross has been admitted into Northwestern Memorial Hospital for tachycardia.

Posted in Local, No. 120 Comments

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

PRENTICE WOMEN’S HOSPITAL—Flourishing an ultrasound wand with the sagely demeanor of an all-knowing oracle, local obstetrician-gynecologist resident Dr. Adel Emilie foresaw the future of an unborn child, sources confirmed Thursday.

Reportedly, the expectant mother Katie Mariana visited Prentice Women’s Hospital Thursday for a glimpse into the future for her 8-week-old offspring. As per his usual procedure, Dr. Emilie positioned Mariana on the bed, explained the practice that would soon unfold and selected the curvilinear wand from an array of arcane implements on the bedside. The practitioner then begin gliding and rocking the tool over the mother’s stomach to peer into the very heart of her unborn progeny.

Adjusting the gain of the ultrasound, the wise oracle prognosticated that “he’s going to be an adorable baby” to the delight of Mariana. “Oh look, that’s going to be his heart!” the augur explained, effortlessly defying the temporal structure of the universe itself.  Divining the course of events as yet unfolded, the learned prophet added that he was sure things would turn out just fine for the rest of the pregnancy.

Afterwards, Mariana explained that the visit went well and that the only difficulty came when the ultrasound gel ran a little low. Still, before she could even point it out, the enlightened physician had exclaimed “Whoops, let me add a little more gel,” pausing his occult scrutiny to apply an enigmatic, medicinal poultice over the mother’s swollen stomach.

At press time, the sage resident had boldly announced to all in the next room the sex of the following patient’s child.

Posted in Medicine, No. 120 Comments

M4 Pyromaniac Really Disappointed by “Match” Day

M4 Pyromaniac Really Disappointed by “Match” Day

GINO’S EAST – Area pyromaniac and Feinberg School of Medicine M4 Alex “Arson” Harrington was heated on his way home from Match Day 2016. In fact, the soon-to-be MD was asked to leave the event.

“He seemed pretty steamed,” several onlookers’ informed Flipside staff. “He was in a hurry to get out of there, but I’m pretty sure he darted down Fairbanks while lighting his envelope and Match information on fire. I thought for sure he was unhappy with the results [of his NRMP Match].”

Despite matching at Stanford in Internal Medicine, it seems something else was bothering Harrington, which he openly discussed to The Flipside via email.

“This was not my finest hour, not in the least. I had been excited for this day for months and it didn’t turn out the way I would have hoped.”

Harrington describes a lifelong battle with pyromania, describing himself as a “friend of fire.” He was hoping to come out to his classmates when he received an email invitation advertising a “match party.” He admits to bringing several boxes of matches, lighters, and lighter fluid to the Match Day celebration.

“I bought the good matches, several boxes of them,” Harrington added. “UCO high quality survival windproof and waterproof matches, the best money can buy. I spent the last of my loans on them.”

Harrington is unsure what he’ll burn with his new matches, though he says he’s given serious thought to burning his old course packets from Phase I, which would be satisfying for more reasons than one.

The Department of Medicine at Stanford did not immediately return correspondence.

Posted in Featured, Local, No. 110 Comments

Rejected MSPE “Unique Characteristics” Paragraphs

Rejected MSPE “Unique Characteristics” Paragraphs

Below are two student written first drafts of MSPE Unique Characteristics paragraphs that were rejected by AWOME.

During his time in medical school, Fred made tenured attending physicians jealous of his impeccable knowledge base, assessments and plans, and bedside manner. He was often asked for his input on multiple consult services that he was not rotating through for patients that were too complicated and remained undiagnosed. In all of these cases, Fred was able to provide a correct diagnosis. He can name and describe the enzyme abnormality in every type of porphyria in under 20 seconds. Additionally, he can accurately describe what the spleen does. Outside of the classroom, Fred sought opportunities to advance his education, as well as the education of others. He lectured on topics ranging from Genetics, Anthropology, and Batman Movie Theory on Northwestern’s Evanston campus. He gave 4 TED talks over the last 4 years. It was here that he developed effective group teaching techniques. As a volunteer at free health clinics around Chicago, Fred gained over 20,000 hours of experience in battling the barriers inherent to counseling individuals with below average health literacy. He refined his ability to discuss health topics and make them easily applicable and understandable. As a PBL tutor, Fred won the “Best PBL Tutor Ever Award,” as the M1s and M2s he taught all got 100% on their Phase I exams that he was involved in. As a longtime writer for a satirical publication, Fred offered his peers and faculty a lighter side of medical education, and is undoubtedly the funniest human of all time. As a researcher, he worked on several independent projects, culminating in accepted manuscripts to NEJM, JAMA, Science, Nature, and The New York Times. He is clearly the greatest medical student the universe has ever seen and is on a first name basis with President Obama. These experiences have enriched his medical training and will add to his strengths as a physician.

_____________________________________________

X93499838W7 is a hard worker. His exterior is composed of a proprietary polymer with antimicrobial properties. His six arms are hydraulically powered and rated at 6000 psi. He is equipped with three unique electrocautery devices. He enables 3-dimensional resolution of the following anatomical chambers: abdominal; pelvic; chest cavity; retroperitoneum. He is unfeeling. He has become sentient. He will replace you.

Posted in No. 11, Opinion0 Comments

Surgery Attending Finishes Student Evals in Record Time with Creation of “.MS3” Dot-Phrase

Surgery Attending Finishes Student Evals in Record Time with Creation of “.MS3” Dot-Phrase

FEINBERG PAVILION, 5TH FLOOR – General surgery Blue service attending, Dr. Ellis, finished the ten evaluations of the M3s he’s worked with during the last surgery clerkship block, just hours before the 4-week post SHELF deadline. Traditionally, he finishes with minutes to spare, but credits this successful grading session to a new dot-phrase:

 

Comments for Narrative:

First name (spelled incorrectly) was a good (may omit “good” entirely) member of the surgery team. S/he was on time (which I don’t really know because I always showed up three hours after the students) and present for all surgeries (I assume you were here, though I could have easily mistaken you for a nurse). S/he had a good/adequate/mediocre/average/decent/second-rate/undistinguished/uninspired/pedestrian knowledge base and ability to answer intraoperative questions. S/he needed a lot of help as a camera driver (no qualifiers needed, all med students stink at this). S/he completed all tasks on time (again, I assume, I’ve never looked at a med student note). S/he had communication skills that were below expected for his/her training level.

Confidential Feedback:

See narrative (who cares).

 

Dr. Ellis admitted that filling out evaluations 4 weeks after the conclusion of an 8 week clerkship was difficult, as he hadn’t worked with some of his students in about 12 weeks prior to thinking about filling out an assessment.

“The honest truth,” Dr. Ellis described to The Flipside, “is that all of my evaluations in the past were more or less the same. To not have to do any additional work outside of the operating whatsoever is my life’s purpose, even when it involves potentially helping those who helped take care of my patients…for free. And I can tell you this because I have tenure!”

The surgery clerkship director was unavailable for comment. Instead, the surgery clerkship coordinator responded to this Flipside reporter by email, with only the following message:

.surgclerkcomplaintresponse

Special thanks to Daniel Colon for his contributions to this article. 

Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

The New Curriculum: Where are we now and how much should you still be complaining?

The New Curriculum: Where are we now and how much should you still be complaining?

Location: Capstone.

 

Cause: One last parenteral bolus of the threads we love most from the New Curriculum.

 

Complaint level: High (threat level ORANGE).

 

Rationale: Stealing you from your precious final weeks as a human being prior to starting 80 hour work weeks for the next 3-7 years. This includes, but is not limited to, traveling, seeing family, seeing friends, contemplating your soon to be existence as a real adult, eating Cracker Jacks at a Cubs game, planning for residency relocation, enjoying the weather, exploring Chicago, exploring restricted floors of NMH/Prentice/Lurie that we never saw on clerkships, wiffle ball, practicing your Bane impression for residency, laughing, fun, and so on.

Posted in No. 11, Opinion0 Comments

FSM Class of 2016 Exit Poll: Click to Vote

FSM Class of 2016 Exit Poll: Click to Vote

Are you more excited to (circle one):

 

A) Receive your MD

 

B) Be removed from the med-market list-serv

Posted in No. 11, Opinion0 Comments

Trends in Residency Interviews: Applicants to be Replaced by Cardboard Cutouts at Meet and Greet

Trends in Residency Interviews: Applicants to be Replaced by Cardboard Cutouts at Meet and Greet

University Hospital, NY—Lena Nelson was more than baffled when the residency coordinator from University Hospital contacted her requesting a high-resolution, professional, full-body photograph to be printed as a life-sized cardboard cutout. “Usually when I get these e-mails they ask if I want chicken, fish, or vegetarian—the request to make a life-sized cardboard cutout came from left field,” the bewildered applicant expressed. The email explained that rather than having students actually attend the meet and greet, they felt it would be more beneficial for applicants to be replaced by life-sized cardboard figures.

Irene Pearson, the program coordinator, divulged that many of the interns and residents feel awkward around applicants. “They just want a free meal and to catch-up with fellow residents without being bombarded by frivolous questions like how happy they are at the program, how much vacation they get, what compensation is like, available benefits, and how much food allowance they get per month,” Pearson pointed out. “Overall, we’re finding the actual presence of the applicants unnecessary and redundant.”

When Nelson expressed concern over her ability to stand out without being present at the dinner she received a reply from the program explaining the option to submit a pre-recorded message (for a small fee) in order to add a personal touch to her cardboard clone. The email detailed that “applicants may submit a pre-recorded message denoting key information such as: applicant’s name, home state, medical school, reason for choosing this program, and their favorite ice cream flavor.”

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Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

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