Author Archives | Nick Zessis

M4 Pyromaniac Really Disappointed by “Match” Day

M4 Pyromaniac Really Disappointed by “Match” Day

GINO’S EAST – Area pyromaniac and Feinberg School of Medicine M4 Alex “Arson” Harrington was heated on his way home from Match Day 2016. In fact, the soon-to-be MD was asked to leave the event.

“He seemed pretty steamed,” several onlookers’ informed Flipside staff. “He was in a hurry to get out of there, but I’m pretty sure he darted down Fairbanks while lighting his envelope and Match information on fire. I thought for sure he was unhappy with the results [of his NRMP Match].”

Despite matching at Stanford in Internal Medicine, it seems something else was bothering Harrington, which he openly discussed to The Flipside via email.

“This was not my finest hour, not in the least. I had been excited for this day for months and it didn’t turn out the way I would have hoped.”

Harrington describes a lifelong battle with pyromania, describing himself as a “friend of fire.” He was hoping to come out to his classmates when he received an email invitation advertising a “match party.” He admits to bringing several boxes of matches, lighters, and lighter fluid to the Match Day celebration.

“I bought the good matches, several boxes of them,” Harrington added. “UCO high quality survival windproof and waterproof matches, the best money can buy. I spent the last of my loans on them.”

Harrington is unsure what he’ll burn with his new matches, though he says he’s given serious thought to burning his old course packets from Phase I, which would be satisfying for more reasons than one.

The Department of Medicine at Stanford did not immediately return correspondence.

Posted in Featured, Local, No. 110 Comments

Rejected MSPE “Unique Characteristics” Paragraphs

Rejected MSPE “Unique Characteristics” Paragraphs

Below are two student written first drafts of MSPE Unique Characteristics paragraphs that were rejected by AWOME.

During his time in medical school, Fred made tenured attending physicians jealous of his impeccable knowledge base, assessments and plans, and bedside manner. He was often asked for his input on multiple consult services that he was not rotating through for patients that were too complicated and remained undiagnosed. In all of these cases, Fred was able to provide a correct diagnosis. He can name and describe the enzyme abnormality in every type of porphyria in under 20 seconds. Additionally, he can accurately describe what the spleen does. Outside of the classroom, Fred sought opportunities to advance his education, as well as the education of others. He lectured on topics ranging from Genetics, Anthropology, and Batman Movie Theory on Northwestern’s Evanston campus. He gave 4 TED talks over the last 4 years. It was here that he developed effective group teaching techniques. As a volunteer at free health clinics around Chicago, Fred gained over 20,000 hours of experience in battling the barriers inherent to counseling individuals with below average health literacy. He refined his ability to discuss health topics and make them easily applicable and understandable. As a PBL tutor, Fred won the “Best PBL Tutor Ever Award,” as the M1s and M2s he taught all got 100% on their Phase I exams that he was involved in. As a longtime writer for a satirical publication, Fred offered his peers and faculty a lighter side of medical education, and is undoubtedly the funniest human of all time. As a researcher, he worked on several independent projects, culminating in accepted manuscripts to NEJM, JAMA, Science, Nature, and The New York Times. He is clearly the greatest medical student the universe has ever seen and is on a first name basis with President Obama. These experiences have enriched his medical training and will add to his strengths as a physician.

_____________________________________________

X93499838W7 is a hard worker. His exterior is composed of a proprietary polymer with antimicrobial properties. His six arms are hydraulically powered and rated at 6000 psi. He is equipped with three unique electrocautery devices. He enables 3-dimensional resolution of the following anatomical chambers: abdominal; pelvic; chest cavity; retroperitoneum. He is unfeeling. He has become sentient. He will replace you.

Posted in No. 11, Opinion0 Comments

Surgery Attending Finishes Student Evals in Record Time with Creation of “.MS3” Dot-Phrase

Surgery Attending Finishes Student Evals in Record Time with Creation of “.MS3” Dot-Phrase

FEINBERG PAVILION, 5TH FLOOR – General surgery Blue service attending, Dr. Ellis, finished the ten evaluations of the M3s he’s worked with during the last surgery clerkship block, just hours before the 4-week post SHELF deadline. Traditionally, he finishes with minutes to spare, but credits this successful grading session to a new dot-phrase:

 

Comments for Narrative:

First name (spelled incorrectly) was a good (may omit “good” entirely) member of the surgery team. S/he was on time (which I don’t really know because I always showed up three hours after the students) and present for all surgeries (I assume you were here, though I could have easily mistaken you for a nurse). S/he had a good/adequate/mediocre/average/decent/second-rate/undistinguished/uninspired/pedestrian knowledge base and ability to answer intraoperative questions. S/he needed a lot of help as a camera driver (no qualifiers needed, all med students stink at this). S/he completed all tasks on time (again, I assume, I’ve never looked at a med student note). S/he had communication skills that were below expected for his/her training level.

Confidential Feedback:

See narrative (who cares).

 

Dr. Ellis admitted that filling out evaluations 4 weeks after the conclusion of an 8 week clerkship was difficult, as he hadn’t worked with some of his students in about 12 weeks prior to thinking about filling out an assessment.

“The honest truth,” Dr. Ellis described to The Flipside, “is that all of my evaluations in the past were more or less the same. To not have to do any additional work outside of the operating whatsoever is my life’s purpose, even when it involves potentially helping those who helped take care of my patients…for free. And I can tell you this because I have tenure!”

The surgery clerkship director was unavailable for comment. Instead, the surgery clerkship coordinator responded to this Flipside reporter by email, with only the following message:

.surgclerkcomplaintresponse

Special thanks to Daniel Colon for his contributions to this article. 

Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

The New Curriculum: Where are we now and how much should you still be complaining?

The New Curriculum: Where are we now and how much should you still be complaining?

Location: Capstone.

 

Cause: One last parenteral bolus of the threads we love most from the New Curriculum.

 

Complaint level: High (threat level ORANGE).

 

Rationale: Stealing you from your precious final weeks as a human being prior to starting 80 hour work weeks for the next 3-7 years. This includes, but is not limited to, traveling, seeing family, seeing friends, contemplating your soon to be existence as a real adult, eating Cracker Jacks at a Cubs game, planning for residency relocation, enjoying the weather, exploring Chicago, exploring restricted floors of NMH/Prentice/Lurie that we never saw on clerkships, wiffle ball, practicing your Bane impression for residency, laughing, fun, and so on.

Posted in No. 11, Opinion0 Comments

M4 with OCD Certifies Rank List in Alphabetical Order

M4 with OCD Certifies Rank List in Alphabetical Order

CHICAGO – Determining the Rank List is one of the most daunting tasks of medical school. It’s a time when each medical student in the country must take into consideration a plethora of information to decide where they’d like to attend residency. For the FSM class of 2016, the entire class was not certified until the morning of the last possible day, thanks in part to one M4 student with severe OCD.

“I wish I could say this with hyperbole, but I stared at my Rank List non-stop for over a month,” Ben Dawson revealed to The Flipside in an exclusive interview. “The anxiety, the sleep loss, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get it to the point that it felt ‘just right.’ And by that, I mean I felt like Goldilocks trying out different porridges, but never finding the right temperature.”

With pressure from AWOME, Dawson was forced to make up his mind.

“When I put it in alphabetical order, things just made sense. The anxiety was gone. It looked and felt great!”

Dawson was happy to share that he matched in Anesthesiology to a program in Abbeville, Louisiana.

Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

FSM to Charge You $72.07 for Graduation Attire, Because, Like, Why Not?

FSM to Charge You $72.07 for Graduation Attire, Because, Like, Why Not?

Posted in HEADLINES, No. 110 Comments

Lonely M4 Couples Matches with Da Vinci Surgical Robot

Lonely M4 Couples Matches with Da Vinci Surgical Robot

Posted in HEADLINES, No. 110 Comments

Suave Surgery Resident has Unlisted Pager

Suave Surgery Resident has Unlisted Pager

Posted in HEADLINES, No. 110 Comments

AOSC Committee Fails to Give Coveted “Checkmark” to M4 Thesis: An Objective Protocol to Assess How Many Licks it Takes to Get to Center of Tootsie Pop

AOSC Committee Fails to Give Coveted “Checkmark” to M4 Thesis: An Objective Protocol to Assess How Many Licks it Takes to Get to Center of Tootsie Pop

WARD BUILDING – It was nearly the perfect AOSC project. Fast, easy, delicious, and possibly could provide an answer to an age old question: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Many have tried and all of them have failed the scientific method, as there have been no attempts to objectively study this question (really though, I did a literature search because this is something I’d like to see studied). When FSM senior Elizabeth Branden came up with the idea at the start of medical school, she knew her main difficulty would be finding a mentor.

She sent several dozen emails before finding a faculty member willing to take on her project. She set up a quick meeting with Dr. Owl (pictured), an Associate Professor of Biological Sciences on the Evanston campus.

“The IRB was very confused by our proposal,” Branden described to The Flipside. “We had to resubmit our request at least 10 times.”

Though she says she can’t reveal the full protocol before it’s published, Branden describes working with a post-doctorate student to use stem cells to create several clones of the same human tongue. You can imagine the rest from there.

Though potentially groundbreaking, the AOSC committee denied Branden’s thesis for a second time.

“It’s heartbreaking,” she added. “This is something that’s puzzled the scientific community for years. I guess the world may never know.”

Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

Male M3 Sure to Get Cooties Vaccine Well in Advance of OB/GYN Clerkship

Male M3 Sure to Get Cooties Vaccine Well in Advance of OB/GYN Clerkship

Posted in HEADLINES, No. 110 Comments

Headlines

  • FSM to Charge You $72.07 for Graduation Attire, Because, Like, Why Not?FSM to Charge You $72.07 for Graduation Attire, Because, Like, Why Not?
  • Lonely M4 Couples Matches with Da Vinci Surgical RobotLonely M4 Couples Matches with Da Vinci Surgical Robot
  • Suave Surgery Resident has Unlisted PagerSuave Surgery Resident has Unlisted Pager
  • Male M3 Sure to Get Cooties Vaccine Well in Advance of OB/GYN ClerkshipMale M3 Sure to Get Cooties Vaccine Well in Advance of OB/GYN Clerkship
  • M3 on Surgery Eats Lunch at 9:30 amM3 on Surgery Eats Lunch at 9:30 am
  • See More

More Headlines

  • M4 SSRI Rx Quadruples After Required Student Loan Repayment LectureM4 SSRI Rx Quadruples After Required Student Loan Repayment Lecture
  • Feinberg Bane Selected to Give Graduation SpeechFeinberg Bane Selected to Give Graduation Speech
  • Fellow Residency Interviewee Telling You How Bad Weather in Chicago is for 457th TimeFellow Residency Interviewee Telling You How Bad Weather in Chicago is for 457th Time
  • Your Specialty Advisor Only Doing This To Beef-Up His CVYour Specialty Advisor Only Doing This To Beef-Up His CV
  • Residency Applicant Confidently Nails Interview Question Regarding Intergalactic Applications of Elemental MagnesiumResidency Applicant Confidently Nails Interview Question Regarding Intergalactic Applications of Elemental Magnesium
  • See More

Get Adobe Flash playerPlugin by wpburn.com wordpress themes