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National Residency Match Program® Helps M4 Find True Love

WARD BUILDING—This Valentine’s Day, M4 student Aaron Wu is determined to find love. A specialty he loves, that is.

Although he has been interviewing at a diverse range of residency programs, Wu still has not settled on one he will spend the rest of his life with. He has enlisted the help of The National Resident Matching Program®, a professional matchmaking service.

“I just can’t seem to find The One,” Wu confided to the Flipside at a cozy coffee shop on Diversey, decorated with hearts and flowers for the upcoming holiday. “Everyone talks about it. They say you’ll know when you know. That it’ll be the greatest moment of your life. That you will finally feel… complete. That your whole world shifts to revolve around it. I want that for myself, so much. I just… yeah. I began to ask myself if there was a Bumble for specialties…. And there’s something even better. Matchmaking.”

Wu has interviewed for seven different specialties, including OB/GYN, medicine, surgery, psychiatry, family medicine and pediatrics. He says he is “dating around” but can’t seem to find one that shares his life outlook and values.

When asked, Dean Sandra Sanguino said, “Aaron just has such passion and love to give, which is truly difficult to find nowadays. It is clear that he has not thought about anything but medicine his whole life. Ever. He lives and showers in the basement of Ward, using the steam tunnels to iron his clothes. He created an altar to Hippocrates and Cupid with sacrificial lab rats. Actually, I did note that on his recommendation letters.”

Wu reported in his applications that he enjoys working with young children, romantic firelit dinners and long walks on the wards.

“Match Day is March 16th,” gushed the starry-eyed Wu. “I just can’t wait. I feel like The National Resident Matching Program® will solve all my problems for me. It will find me my soulmate.”

The National Resident Matching Program® could not be reached for comment on its matchmaking abilities.

Will true love ever find Aaron? Only time, and the match letter, will tell.

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Posted in Articles, Entertainment, No. 120 Comments

Lost tour group of 2012 rescued from underground tunnels

During the winter of 2012, two tour guides and six interviewees disappeared into the tunnels under the school during a tour. They would not resurface for another six years. Last Thursday, they were discovered shambling into Galter Library. They are being treated at Northwestern Memorial Hospital and reported to be in stable condition.

Galter Library was nearly silent last Thursday night at 10:00 p.m., one hour before closing. Despite the quietude, the library was full of M1s studying furiously for their pulmonary module exam. As the night wore on, the silence became increasing punctuated by sporadic bursts of hysterical sobbing. Such was the environment that when eight disheveled men and women stumbled into the library at 10:55 p.m., none of the M1s even noticed.

The librarians noticed. Vigilant as ever, they asked the newcomers to show their IDs. All eight men and women simultaneously experienced episodes of syncope. Upon being rushed to the Northwestern Memorial Hospital Memorial Emergency Department, staff discovered a long expired Northwestern Wildcard that identified one woman as Jemima Jones, a woman Flipside reporters quickly discovered was a past Feinberg student who would have graduated in 2015 had she not tragically disappeared while giving a tour to interviewees in 2012. Jones appeared to be the leader of the group as she was wearing an elaborate necklace woven from six name tag lanyards.

The M1s barely noticed the commotion. At 11:00 p.m., they stirred only to put away their laptops and tear-soaked copies of First Aid, glancing past the ambulances and medics carrying away eight unconscious bodies and moving to the 24-hour section of the library.

Flipside reporters were lucky to get exclusive interviews with the survivors on Tuesday morning.

“We were lucky to survive,” one interviewee stated, a grim look on her face. “We kept ourselves nourished by drinking the condensation off of the heating pipes and attacking the pizza delivery people who also got lost in the tunnels every week or so. The trick is to get to them before they join ‘the Others.’”

Evidently, the tour group was not alone in the underground tunnels. The overhead lights never turned off, but they knew that it was daytime when they were awoken with the smells of pizza drifting tantalizingly from the far reaches of the tunnels, just beyond the corner. On their second day underground, they made the mistake of following the smells to the hideout of ‘the Others.” None of the survivors would tell us any more.

When pressed, an interviewee responded only by shouting repeatedly, “the pipes, the pipes, where do they go?”

“It was pretty intense,” gushed another interviewee. “I mean I heard from studentdoctor.net that Feinberg interviews were pretty chill, so I wasn’t really expecting that and there were moments when I almost got kind of stressed, but for the most part I stayed confident and I think I did really well. When will I be hearing back?”

Posted in Articles, Local0 Comments

Dean Neilson clearly asleep during kidney transplant

Dean Neilson clearly asleep during kidney transplant

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 120 Comments

STEP 1 exam now asks open-ended questions

STEP 1 exam now asks open-ended questions

Philadelphia, PA—Calling the change in exam format “a step to a better STEP,” members of the National Board of Medical Examiners (NBME) announced Tuesday that the USMLE Step 1 would soon include open-ended questions. The announcement noted the importance of the technique for future physicians, stating that “because open-ended questions do not limit a subject to just a few multiple-choice answers, they encourage the test-taker to give more detail about the condition of their knowledge.”

Open-ended questions, questions that can be answered with more than a word or two, have long been used in interviews, interrogations, and medical examinations to compel a subject to provide more in-depth and insightful responses. Dr. Jessica Bennett, curriculum developer for the USMLE Step 1 exam, explained that the open communication would also have the benefit of building trust in the examiner-examinee relationship.

Dr. Bennett went on to explain how the changes build on previous changes for the exam: “You can already see the benefits from our 2015 decision to emphasize the role of silence, by forcing students to wear earplugs during the 8 hour exam.” This shift came shortly after the infamous 2013 addition of a section in which students must answer using only appropriate non-verbal communication, such as facial expressions, gestures, and eye-contact.

Although this move has been lauded by many physicians for introducing their younger colleagues to an important technique, many students have been more critical. Jeffrey Zhao, a first year at Northwestern’s Feinberg School of Medicine explained “I was taking the new practice test that [NBME] put out, and the third question was just ‘how do you feel about lupus and why?’ What am I supposed to say to that? I just wrote that I disliked it. Do you think that’s alright?”

The exam changes are projected to roll out in the November 2018 test. Still, this is not expected to be the last change to the Step 1 exam. “The main thing that we are going to work on next is eliminating any hints towards the correct answer in the question stem in order to avoid leading questions,” explained Dr. Bennett. She noted that her work is far from over: “We will continue to adapt and improve the test to be more clinically applicable over the next decade.”

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Are you a gunner?

Find out here.

Gunner

Posted in Articles, No. 12, Opinion0 Comments

Budget Cuts Lead To More Musical Theater: Redefining the PTTP Curriculum

Budget Cuts Lead To More Musical Theater: Redefining the PTTP Curriculum

THORNE AUDITORIUM—First-year medical students were baffled Friday by a required lecture from Dr. Rishi Agrawal as part of the Personal Transition to the Profession, entitled “You Deserve To Be Here.” Excited students poured into the packed auditorium, eager to learn about self-awareness and overcoming Imposter Syndrome.

“I like this part of our curriculum, so I was pumped to hear from Dr. Agrawal,” confided first-year student Ali Khan, “but the talk was really weird. It seemed to be about an ongoing turf war between Northwestern Medicine and the University of Chicago. Are we that strapped for cash?”

A sweating Dr. Agrawal drew lines, circles, and squiggles on this map of Chicago, highlighting areas of overlap between purple and maroon. When students pointed out the overwhelming purple presence, Dr. Agrawal threw down his clicker and reportedly muttered “we deserve the west side.” He then lectured about “rumbles” and Medicaid cuts decreasing hospital profits.

“I stayed after class to ask Dr. Agrawal about self-care methods,” said an outraged Nell Birch, “and he told me I was demonstrating a fixed mindset when it came to accepting feedback. Do you know what he suggested I do? Learn musical theater choreography. What does that have to do with managing stress?”

Confused students were divided into groups of ten and instructed to stand on street corners around the city with signs and flyers advertising new Northwestern Medicine clinics. Others were sent to throw stuffed wildcats at University of Chicago clinics and sing “Something’s Coming” from West Side Story through the windows.

Kelsey McAfee complained, “I didn’t know that part of the PTTP curriculum would be to star in a musical. No, really. Dr. Agrawal told me I was randomly assigned to play Maria and to memorize my lines by next week. He said acting would help me find new skills and overcome ‘performance anxiety,’ which I think was used out of context.”

Interested readers can purchase tickets to the Feinberg production of West Side Story, running through February 4, on the Office of Medical Education website. Proceeds will go towards a block-long banner advertising Northwestern as “Chicago’s Premier (and only) Medical System.”

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High blood pressure guidelines lowered

Feinberg Voices

After the The American Heart Association and ten other groups redefined high blood pressure as a reading of 130 over 80, nearly half of all U.S. adults now will be considered hypertensive. What do you think?

r3 They’re changing already? But I just finished hearing about BP guidelines for the first time!

ZOYA RANDI, M1

 h4 I was just hoping for an excuse to hire a whole new batch of slightly healthier standardized patients.

DR. HEATHER HEIMAN, CEC MEDICAL DIRECTOR

Guidelines? There are guidelines?

DR. ERIC NEILSON, VP FOR MEDICAL AFFAIRS AND DEAN

 

Posted in Articles, Local, No. 120 Comments

Ethical questions posed to class by wide-eyed, bloodstained Tod Chambers

Ethical questions posed to class by wide-eyed, bloodstained Tod Chambers

CHICAGO, IL—While reportedly pausing to cast a furtive glance around his McGaw Pavilion classroom, a disheveled Associate Professor Dr. Tod Chambers began Clinical Ethics with an abrupt question, sources confirmed Tuesday.

“Kimberly, what’s the difference between doing surgery and stabbing someone on the street?” asked the bloodstained Dr. Chambers, adding that he would really like to know.

Unsatisfied with the student’s answer, the visibly perspiring professor went on to explain that while assaulting another might seem really bad, there are a number of mitigated factors one should take into account, such as how well the two people knew each other, whether the other person started the altercation and if it all just happened so quickly that there was no time to think. He then began a lengthy explanation of how accidental homicide really isn’t too different from a medical procedure if you really think about it, pausing only once to roll up his Oxford shirt’s crimson sleeves.

Student reviews of the class were mixed. “I thought it was a pretty good class overall,” reported first-year medical student Daniel “Dan” O’Brian, “although Dr. Chambers did seem really worried when I said I thought the main difference between surgery and stabbing something was consent. Maybe I missed something from his lecture?” Other students commended his “clear and frantic passion” for the subject matter but noted that the frenzied speed with which he gave his lecture rendered it sometimes hard to follow. Still, most onlookers agreed that the session far surpassed the preceding PBL session in which the lead facilitator repeatedly asked the class for any more thoughts about the patient’s diagnosis, noting that he was pretty much out of ideas himself.

At press time, the disheveled professor was asking the next class about the most ethical place to hide a body.

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Posted in Medicine, No. 120 Comments

Local gunner lives life at 1.75x speed

Local gunner lives life at 1.75x speed

CHICAGO, IL—Feinberg medical student Camille Cross was so enamored with the speeding functions of Panopto that she converted her entire lifestyle to 1.75x speed, multiple sources confirmed Friday.

Her roommate, Paige Paisley, first alerted fellow students to Cross’s new lifestyle two weeks ago by posting a Snapchat story of Cross watching House and The Bachelorette on Netflix at 1.75x speed. “I didn’t think much of it,” Paisley confided, “but then I found out she manipulated the plumbing to almost double the shower’s flow rate.” Shortly after, Paisley also confirmed to Flipside that Cross has begun sleeping at a rate that could only be described as 1.75x speed. “It’s not like she’s not getting enough sleep,” Paisley explained, “but it’s more like she naps for 4.5 hours and gives out a snore every six seconds. Her respirations are way too fast to be normal.”

Cross’s CEC preceptor, Dr. Parth Radhakrishnan, confirms. “When Camille is in a room with the standardized patients, she insists on speaking extra quickly to them and finishing her conversations around 1.75 times faster than anyone else. I’m not sure how to give her feedback. It’s both impressive and highly disconcerting.”

None of the classmates Flipside contacted were quite sure what exactly inspired Cross’s new lifestyle. Some speculated it was her desire to have the reputation as “that” gunner. Others thought it was watching and rewatching Dr. Joel Charrow’s lectures at normal speed that broke her.

Paisley could not be reached for comment, as she was busy starting her second AOSC project with the extra time she made.

Updated 11:43 am CST: Cross has been admitted into Northwestern Memorial Hospital for tachycardia.

Posted in Local, No. 120 Comments

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

Ultrasound-welding oracle portends fetus’ future

PRENTICE WOMEN’S HOSPITAL—Flourishing an ultrasound wand with the sagely demeanor of an all-knowing oracle, local obstetrician-gynecologist resident Dr. Adel Emilie foresaw the future of an unborn child, sources confirmed Thursday.

Reportedly, the expectant mother Katie Mariana visited Prentice Women’s Hospital Thursday for a glimpse into the future for her 8-week-old offspring. As per his usual procedure, Dr. Emilie positioned Mariana on the bed, explained the practice that would soon unfold and selected the curvilinear wand from an array of arcane implements on the bedside. The practitioner then begin gliding and rocking the tool over the mother’s stomach to peer into the very heart of her unborn progeny.

Adjusting the gain of the ultrasound, the wise oracle prognosticated that “he’s going to be an adorable baby” to the delight of Mariana. “Oh look, that’s going to be his heart!” the augur explained, effortlessly defying the temporal structure of the universe itself.  Divining the course of events as yet unfolded, the learned prophet added that he was sure things would turn out just fine for the rest of the pregnancy.

Afterwards, Mariana explained that the visit went well and that the only difficulty came when the ultrasound gel ran a little low. Still, before she could even point it out, the enlightened physician had exclaimed “Whoops, let me add a little more gel,” pausing his occult scrutiny to apply an enigmatic, medicinal poultice over the mother’s swollen stomach.

At press time, the sage resident had boldly announced to all in the next room the sex of the following patient’s child.

Posted in Medicine, No. 120 Comments

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