Author Archives | Reid Johnson

Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari Contribute $10M to Fund NU Antavax Research Inst.

CHICAGO — In a fitting follow up to their acclaimed, 1980s-themed charitable bash, Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari announced this morning a $10 million contribution to help launch the Northwestern University Antavax Research Institute.

“Jay and I have gotten a lot of…attention…lately regarding our choice not to vaccinate, and we’re looking to put our money where our mouth is!  Antavax will be on the cutting edge of vaccine-undermining research!” Cavallari informed Flipside reporters.

Northwestern recently announced plans for the state-of-the-art, 20 story Antavax Institute building — set to replace the old Prentice Women’s Hospital.  A competition among many high-power architecture firms to design Antavax’s shining exterior is set to begin in two months.

Northwestern officials sat down with Flipside reporters and were bubbling over the future potential of the impending Antavax Institute:  “We here at Northwestern are truly excited to use the Cutler family’s generous donation to help get Antavax off the ground.  With the removal of former Prentice Women’s Hospital in motion and Antavax soon to take its place, our medical campus is taking yet another step towards becoming one of the most innovative biomedical centers in the country!”

A main focus of Antavax will be concentrated in the Wakefield Wing, where MMR vaccines will be scrutinized for associations with autism, colitis, childhood obesity, extra-smelly poopy diapers, and general snarkiness as teenagers.

“The Antavax Institute will bring a level of research, innovation, and discovery to the area that will be just infectious!” Cavallari relayed to The Flipside.

At press time,  the entire Cutler family was seen entering Lurie Children’s Hospital to visit with and raise the hopes of children awaiting bone marrow transplants.

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Posted in Business, Medicine, No. 90 Comments

Concept Map: “To class, or not to class”

CLICK TO ENLARGE!!!

To class, or not to class

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Posted in Local, No. 90 Comments

Disgruntled AOSC Tells Area Group of Laughing Teens to “Get the heck off my lawn!”

Disgruntled AOSC Tells Area Group of Laughing Teens to “Get the heck off my lawn!”

CHICAGO — Claiming “I’d just mowed the darn thing!” and “these little punks have no business being out during school hours,” a visibly tempered AOSC screamed at an area group of giggling teenagers to “Scram! Vamoose! Get the heck outta here!”

In between bouts of fist shaking, AOSC informed Flipside reporters:  “You know fertilizer and gasoline aren’t free!  Who’s going to pay for the extra yard upkeep with these hooligans tromping all over the place? I don’t have the money for that this coming summer!”

AOSC was able to entertain Flipside reporters for a brief interview in his quaint, 1,000 square-foot, light blue ranch home.

“Let me just flip off Matlock real quick.  You need anything? I’ve got some great prune juice…or some orange Metamucil if you’re a bit blocked up.”

AOSC proceeded to inform Flipside reporters about how well his grandson Jeffery is doing at the university (“He’s going to be a business man, you know!”), how slippery the darn sidewalks can get in the wintertime, and about how he’s sure the cable repair worker stole his new Timex.

At press time, AOSC was making a trip to the local bank to deposit some 3,000 pennies into savings while muttering something under his breath regarding a “darn lack of work ethic these days!”

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Posted in Local, No. 70 Comments

FeinbergPulse: How Did You Spend Valentine’s Day Weekend?

Here’s this week’s FeinbergPulse! Check it out!

Feinberg students weigh in on what makes them tick

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Posted in No. 7, Opinion0 Comments

Feinberg Students Perplexed, Delighted to Find Selves Back in High School

Feinberg Students Perplexed, Delighted to Find Selves Back in High School

CHICAGO – With the whispered excitement of Feinberg Formal pulsing through the hallways, and the lecture presentation of the 10-11th grade scientific concept of Dalton’s Law of Partial Pressures, students are elated to find themselves back in the thick of high school.

Feinberg M1 Steven Tayson relayed the sentiment:  “When I was in lecture this morning, it was bizarre. It was just like my days back at Jackson Prep.  People whispering and snickering about the dance just around the corner.  Some century-old scientific idea that a 5th grader could probably understand on the board. I almost looked down for my letterman’s jacket!”

With yesterday’s developments at hand, Feinberg administrators are looking at the best way to move forward.  Talks between administration and Sodexo, Inc. have yielded a near-groundbreaking partnership for the distribution and sale of chicken tenders, personal pizzas, cardboard pints of chocolate milk, individualized cereal boxes, and soggy crinkle-cut fries at affordable prices for students.

“I’m especially excited for the fries and milkshake machine!” declared Veronica Willingham. “We’re off of the cardio unit now…so…milk shakes are back in play!”

Some Feinberg students are less optimistic regarding today’s events.  M1 Daniel Johnston was adamant in saying:  “You know I looked at the schedule, and we have 4 histology and histopathology lectures tomorrow.  I know it was great taking it easy and learning things a fifteen year-old could most-assuredly understand and explain, but nothing’s really changed long-term.  I am looking forward to the milkshake machine though. That much is for damn sure.”

At press time, students were markedly distressed that all local florists had run out of corsages for the rapidly approaching formal.

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Posted in Local, No. 60 Comments

eMerg to Break News to World’s Children that Santa Claus Does not Exist

eMerg to Break News to World’s Children that Santa Claus Does not Exist

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 60 Comments

M1 Touches “Boobie” For First Time

M1 Touches “Boobie” For First Time

CHICAGO — Feinberg M1 Grayson Fletcher finally did it.  Yup, that’s right.

“I touched a boobi–I mean breast!  It was glorious,” revealed Fletcher.  Fletcher is of course referring to the M1’s initial experience with breast models used in the CEC as an introduction to performing a clinical breast exam.

“Now I know it’s in the context of CEC, but I called my mother and she told me that it ‘totally counts.’ She was really excited for me.  I hope next time they don’t have all those lumps in them”

Flipside reporters were able to delve into how an OK-looking, heterosexual male had gone the first 23 years of his life without seeing, feeling, or even brushing against a breast of the opposite sex.

“Well, ya know, during college I’d go out and use my World of Warcraft pickup lines, but for some reason they just never took.  I couldn’t explain it.  My mom couldn’t explain it.  It was just one of those things.  But in med school, things are just so much easier.  I’m glad to finally be a card-carrying member of the club.”

Fletcher is reportedly both “excited and nervous” for the OB/GYN module coming up in the near future.

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Posted in Local, Medicine, No. 50 Comments

FeinbergPulse:  Where has all the Summer Research Funding Gone?

FeinbergPulse: Where has all the Summer Research Funding Gone?

The Feinberg community weighs in on what makes them tick!

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Posted in No. 5, Opinion0 Comments

Area Student to Memorize, Avoid Campus Bathrooms Only Offering Single Ply Toilet Paper

Area Student to Memorize, Avoid Campus Bathrooms Only Offering Single Ply Toilet Paper

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 50 Comments

Foundations Exam III Actually Just a Grizzly Bear

Foundations Exam III Actually Just a Grizzly Bear

CHICAGO – Feinberg first years were horrified to discover last Wednesday morning that their third and final Foundations exam was actually just a ravenously hungry Grizzly Bear released into the auditorium.

“We looked down, and saw it. Must’ve been 8 feet tall, if it was an inch. Claws out. Ready to chow down,” recalled Sam Waterdale. “The thing just grabbed someone in the front row and went to town.  There was so much blood.”

Students who spent countless hours memorizing bacteria genera and chemokine receptor acronyms were startled that the exam put forth was just a viscous Grizzly Bear, starved for weeks and baited with a pheromone for aggression.

Tiffany Samuels described the atmosphere to Flipside reporters well: “I was just glancing down at the closed test booklet, feverishly recalling what few worthless facts I could remember about Bordatella pertussis, and then it was there. Hungry. Ripping open my friend’s arm.”

Students are quite shaken up by the horrific experience and have taken this graphic and disturbing experience home with them for Thanksgiving.  Upon returning to campus, the M1s are understandably anxious to pick up their blood soaked, written exam objectives from AWOME.

“I mean, I want to know what topics I have to review again. But, I just don’t know if I can re-live that horrid experience. I still haven’t made my mind up about whether or not I’m going to AWOME to get the exam objectives,” a distraught Samuels stated.

Feinberg M1s hope to be faced with something slightly less destructive come Cardio unit.  “I don’t know. A wolf. A cougar.  Just not another Foundations III, please,” begged Waterdale.  “Hell, I’d even take a few dozen venomous snakes.  Just not this again.  We can’t handle it.”

Students informed The Flipside that they are ready to push forward with their education, and will be wearing black ribbons on their left shoulders for the remainder of the 2012-2013 academic year to commemorate those lost during Foundations Exam III.

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Posted in Local, No. 40 Comments

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