Author Archives | Dan Reschke

FSM Class of 2016 Exit Poll: Click to Vote

FSM Class of 2016 Exit Poll: Click to Vote

Are you more excited to (circle one):

 

A) Receive your MD

 

B) Be removed from the med-market list-serv

Posted in No. 11, Opinion0 Comments

Trends in Residency Interviews: Applicants to be Replaced by Cardboard Cutouts at Meet and Greet

Trends in Residency Interviews: Applicants to be Replaced by Cardboard Cutouts at Meet and Greet

University Hospital, NY—Lena Nelson was more than baffled when the residency coordinator from University Hospital contacted her requesting a high-resolution, professional, full-body photograph to be printed as a life-sized cardboard cutout. “Usually when I get these e-mails they ask if I want chicken, fish, or vegetarian—the request to make a life-sized cardboard cutout came from left field,” the bewildered applicant expressed. The email explained that rather than having students actually attend the meet and greet, they felt it would be more beneficial for applicants to be replaced by life-sized cardboard figures.

Irene Pearson, the program coordinator, divulged that many of the interns and residents feel awkward around applicants. “They just want a free meal and to catch-up with fellow residents without being bombarded by frivolous questions like how happy they are at the program, how much vacation they get, what compensation is like, available benefits, and how much food allowance they get per month,” Pearson pointed out. “Overall, we’re finding the actual presence of the applicants unnecessary and redundant.”

When Nelson expressed concern over her ability to stand out without being present at the dinner she received a reply from the program explaining the option to submit a pre-recorded message (for a small fee) in order to add a personal touch to her cardboard clone. The email detailed that “applicants may submit a pre-recorded message denoting key information such as: applicant’s name, home state, medical school, reason for choosing this program, and their favorite ice cream flavor.”

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Posted in Medicine, No. 110 Comments

Residency Applicant Confidently Nails Interview Question Regarding Intergalactic Applications of Elemental Magnesium

Residency Applicant Confidently Nails Interview Question Regarding Intergalactic Applications of Elemental Magnesium

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Posted in More HEADLINES, No. 110 Comments

Feinberg Students Attempt to Unionize

Feinberg Students Attempt to Unionize

CHICAGO — The Northwestern football team participated in an historic vote on Thursday that could change college athletics as we know it. Following the lead of their comrades to the north, Feinberg students are seeking to secure and uphold their rights by attempting to unionize as well.
“We’re think we deserve to better treatment,” explained medical student Nicole Palmer. “The football team claims that they are employees of the university. They make money for the university and are compensated by receiving an education. Because of that, they should be allowed to unionize. To me, football players and medical students are essentially in the same boat, so we should be able to unionize as well.”
She continued, “Football players have 3-a-day practices, we have 4-a-day lectures. They get yelled at by coaches, we get yelled at by attendings. They do service within the community, we do AOSC. They complete passes, we pass with concern. The similarities go on and on. But in the end, medical students provide this university with countless hours of free labor. We demand the right to form a union.”
A poll asking students what they hoped to gain from a Feinberg Union included three overriding responses: fewer plenaries, bigger marshmallows for bigger bridges, and a dental plan.
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Posted in No. 9, Politics, Sports0 Comments

Baby Steps: Practice USMLE Question

Baby Steps: Practice USMLE Question

A 32-year-old immigrant from Bulgaria who is not a female presents to your office with a cough. He claims that the cough came on suddenly over a period of 2 months. He has a history of diabetes, CHF, Diphyllobothrium latum infection, and histrionic personality disorder. As a child he was employed at a battery factory, but he currently works on a goat farm. Vital signs are as follows: HR 98 bpm, RR 22, BP 135/80, Phosphorus 2.5 mg/dL. How many codons are in the gene that codes for the exotoxin of the most common bacteria transmitted via rhinoceros saliva?

a) 5

b) 6.022 x 10^23

c) 1

d) 125

e) Lupus

 

Answer: e

Explanation: It’s always lupus.

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Posted in Medicine, No. 90 Comments

Smartphone Traffic to Flipside Website Surges in Wake of Phase 2 ‘No Laptop Policy’

Smartphone Traffic to Flipside Website Surges in Wake of Phase 2 ‘No Laptop Policy’

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 90 Comments

Student IT Personnel Replaced by “Tap screen if it goes blank” Sign

Student IT Personnel Replaced by “Tap screen if it goes blank” Sign

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 90 Comments

FSM Scraps IT Department to Focus Funds on Re-Animating Steve Jobs

FSM Scraps IT Department to Focus Funds on Re-Animating Steve Jobs

Hughes Auditorium – In light of recent numerous issues, the Feinberg School of Medicine is scrapping its dysfunctional IT department completely and focusing all funds on a project to re-animate Steve Jobs.

“It’ll simply be easier to bring Mr. Jobs back to life than to fix the problems we have,” explained IT Coordinator Karen Brown. “Students rely on recorded lectures and we don’t want to delay a solution any longer.” She went on to explain to Flipside reporters that she fully expects the quirky technology genius to have some fantastic ideas. “Mr. Jobs may pursue tasks as innovative as actually recording lectures, allowing view speed to be altered by students, and offering one simple downloadable file.” These concepts, now deemed science fiction, aren’t expected to be a barrier for Mr. Jobs.

The project, colloquially deemed iGiveUp, is expected to begin immediately on April 31st.

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Posted in Local, No. 8, Year 10 Comments

“Can’t see, can’t pee, can’t climb a tree,” First-Aid Hires Dr. Seuss to Write Disease Mnemonics

“Can’t see, can’t pee, can’t climb a tree,” First-Aid Hires Dr. Seuss to Write Disease Mnemonics

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 80 Comments

AWOME to Hire U.S. Congress to Solve AOSC Financial Woes, Students Hope That “Two Wrongs Make a Right”

AWOME to Hire U.S. Congress to Solve AOSC Financial Woes, Students Hope That “Two Wrongs Make a Right”

WARD BUILDING – In light of the pending AOSC fiscal cliff, the Augusta Webster Office of Medical Education has decided to hire the U.S. Congress to help solve the financial fiasco. As part of FSM 3.0, students are now required to do a summer research project. Students seem a little trepidatious about the new requirement.  M1 Cindy Winstead stated, “I think AOSC will look good on my CV, but I’m a little worried about going into more debt. I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“We feel bad about making students go into more debt,” a spokesperson for AWOME told The Flipside. “We wanted to help the students out, so we asked ourselves, ‘Who is used to massive amounts of debt and has practice avoiding accountability for it?’ Naturally, the U.S. Congress was the first thing to come to mind.” Later this month both the House and the Senate will fly, first class of course, to Chicago and help AWOME find a solution for the flubbed AOSC funding.

M1 Tobias Trommler expressed his skepticism, “I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t think they’ll be able to pull it off. The cliff is too near and I think we’re doomed. I think our best bet is if they just cancel each other out. Kind of like on Jurassic Park. You know, when they’re getting chased by raptors and then the T-rex jumps in and eats the raptors? I just hope that AWOME and Congress can distract each other enough so that the rest of us can get away.”

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Posted in No. 7, Politics0 Comments

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