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M1 Not Totally Sure How Breast in Box Got Such Bad Cancer

M1 Not Totally Sure How Breast in Box Got Such Bad Cancer

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Posted in HEADLINES, No. 50 Comments

<em>Flipside News Network</em> Projects Unanimous Obama Victory

Flipside News Network Projects Unanimous Obama Victory

DISCLAIMER: This projection and study was funded by MSNBC, CNN, NPR, the City of Chicago, the Democratic Party, Boystown, women, pretty much every academic institution, and most developed countries.

FLIPSIDE NEWS HEADQUARTERS (AKA SECRET BASEMENT FORT) – President Barack Obama will win Tuesday’s election over Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, by a margin of 538 electoral votes to zero, according to the Flipside News Network’s recent projection. Representatives from every Flipside convened in an undisclosed location this weekend to analyze the data gathered from a nearly one month study.

“We’ve utilized our collective resources and, with help from our generous contributors, produced a very accurate and precise projection, one that we’re very proud of,” a Flipside News Network spokesperson stated to the press.

The representative from The Feinberg Flipside informed reporters, “Everything that I learned from Medical Decision Making was used in this study. Confidence intervals, relative risk ratios, that other risk ratio that was on the exam that I couldn’t figure out, and all the biases. Especially selection bias [wink wink].”

Despite their assuring the media that the study was done honestly and correctly, there are many who doubt the predictive value and validity of the Flipside News Network’s work. The bias of the Flipside representatives has come into question because of the organization’s history of being liberal regarding more or less every political issue, as well as their refusal to attract readers other than college students.

“All they did was contact their friends, at least one from every state,” one GOP pundit explained on Fox News. “That’s the only way Mississippi and Alabama are going blue.”

The representative from The Stanford Flipside later admitted, “Well, we don’t know anyone other than college students. We were going to call people outside of academia to see who they were voting for, but we didn’t have time, what with midterms and football to worry about.”

The Flipside News Network plans to outsource their next study to statistics majors and not blow all their money on a kegger and donations to the Democratic Party.

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Posted in No. 4, Politics0 Comments

M1 Rethinks Life After Receiving Professionalism Form in Front of Entire Class

M1 Rethinks Life After Receiving Professionalism Form in Front of Entire Class

HUGHES AUDITORIUM – Students are still buzzing about the professionalism form that was given out publicly last Friday during plenary. The FSM curriculum leaders were undoubtedly trying to make an example of one idiot student who decided to satirize them and their new curriculum.

“What an awful idea, starting a satirical publication at a med school,” Albert Smith commented to Flipside reporters. “What did he expect after making fun of Feinberg?”

After the initial humiliation and weekend to think about it, Feinberg Flipside founder Fred Feinburg is considering a career change.

“Yeah, a satirical publication probably wasn’t the smartest thing in hindsight. With the deans now watching my every move and ready to handout professionalism forms, this whole medicine thing is probably coming to an end for me.”

Despite his recent troubles, Feinburg is optimistic about his credentials and future.

“Hey, I passed one exam and one block of PBL in med school, so at least I have that going for me.”

Feinburg was considering participating in Doctors Without Borders, until he realized you actually need an MD to do so.

“I’m considering starting my own practice. It’s called Doctors Without Diplomas. If there are patients out there who need their vital signs taken in a mediocre fashion or given advice about their diet or physical activity (the advice will consist mainly of telling them to walk to work), then we should do just fine.”

The legality of such a practice is something Feinburg has yet to figure out, although he did mention that he’s going to hire a law student, preferably one who also dropped out, to work on that.

“If Doctors Without Diplomas doesn’t work out,” added Feinburg, “I guess I could try pottery. I took a class on that once in college.”

***NOTE: First, no professionalism form was actually given. Second, I realize that the author of this article is interviewing himself. This is a strange thing to do, but I didn’t have a better way to do it and I need to go study now.

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Posted in Local, No. 20 Comments

New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker

New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker

This article was published previously by Sam Block in The Northwestern Flipside in October of 2011.

CHICAGO – On Saturday, 20,000 athletes ran in the Chicago Marathon including 500 participants from New York. The event, according to city officials, was as successful as the combination of a hot dog, pickle, relish, onions, mustard, sweet peppers and a little celery salt. Nobody from New York agreed.

“Where the heck was Central Park?” asked 26-year-old Tony “The Tony” Margarita. “And why did they not give out cigarettes at the water station?”

Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room, that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction, and that the race was not as long as the New York Marathon.

Some people, including Milos Antic, a long time marathon runner, were happy the New Yorkers were there.

“Having so many New Yorkers in the race motivated me to run faster because I wanted to get as far away from them as possible,” said Antic in a phone interview.

Chicago Marathon officials promise that they will try to be more accommodating to New Yorkers for the 2013 Marathon by sending them down narrower streets, raising the entrance fee, and hiring actors wearing Red Sox hats to fall behind them at every stage of the race.

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Posted in No. 2, Sports0 Comments


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