Categorized | Business, No. 11

2017 Match Results to be Released Exclusively on TIDAL

2017 Match Results to be Released Exclusively on TIDAL

The NRMP, in collaboration with music icon and industry titan Jay Z and subsidiaries, has announced that the national residency match results for 2017 and in perpetuity will be released exclusively through H.O.V.A.’s streaming service, TIDAL.

“We’re excited to announce that a new and promising partnership has been forged in the fields of medical training and popular music,” said a spokesperson for Jay Z’s collective enterprises. “TIDAL exclusive releases are awesome,” noted associate Kanye West, who made himself available for comment basically out of nowhere. “The Life of Pablo [West’s new album, an erstwhile TIDAL exclusive] is the best medicine. Illuminati. I’m out,” added West.

Students will henceforth be required to purchase subscriptions to the music streaming service in order to learn where they will be continuing their medical training following graduation.

The music streaming service, founded in 2014, has floundered since its launch but continues to remain solvent by practicing a brand of cultural extortion whereby committed music listeners are prevented from hearing new releases by vital artists without first purchasing a TIDAL subscription. “There’s a kinship here,” added the spokesperson. “We feel that our practices are of a piece with those of the medical licensing body. Consider: medical students submit to paying obscene fees to take tests that are meant to function as gatekeepers to the profession but end up evaluating their skills only nominally, doing so because the licensers are able to leverage years of education and mounds of debt in their favor, as we leverage years of deep and abiding fandom. Our partnership feels like a natural one.”

West and Jay Z have acknowledged privately, “That’s cray.” Expect significant buffering delays.

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